


Decayed : Heaven

by Demoneyedwanderer666



Series: Collapsing into you [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angel Castiel (Supernatural), Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel Has Mental Health Issues (Supernatural), Castiel Has Powers (Supernatural), Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues (Supernatural), Castiel's Angelic Grace (Supernatural), Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Comfort/Angst, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Destiel Promptober 2020 (Supernatural), Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt Sam Winchester, M/M, Multi, POV Dean Winchester, POV Sam Winchester, Protective Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Team Free Love (Supernatural), Team Free Will (Supernatural), Team Free Will 2.0 (Supernatural), misha-moose-dean-burger-lover's Angsty-Angst Week
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-16
Updated: 2020-12-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:54:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23682748
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Demoneyedwanderer666/pseuds/Demoneyedwanderer666
Summary: The Road so Far:Reunited, but at a cost. Sam and Dean delve into the unresolved mystery surrounding the origins of The Collapse and how their fragmented minds are finally coming together.But they managed to miss the devil in the details- or in this case- the angel.Castiel has regained his powers and pursues a battle he claims he must fight alone, but something a lot more unprecedented surrounds the source of his powers and his mind, something that he wishes to use to rewrite his wrongs.Will there finally be an end to the matters that lay deep within? Or will the Winchester line finally come to its end?
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural)/You, Castiel's Trenchcoat/Demons (Supernatural), Castiel/Crowley/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Castiel/Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester, Endverse Castiel/Endverse Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester/Reader
Series: Collapsing into you [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/797454
Kudos: 5





	1. Log 11.0 : Carry on

_I feel different, I've become different, I honestly can't remember the last time I've felt good in this skin, my feathered brown locks cover the many wrinkles on my forehead and the smeared images that I bury deep. These eyes that look different, almost unrecognizably calm and full of resentment. But I don't know anymore, I can't seem to feel anything._

_I have this headache for some reason, I don't know why but I do; it's such a familiar throbbing that's always unwelcome. Just like that, **thupthupthupthupthup**. Its melting into my skull, trying to find a way to poison me from the core, but I won't let it, I definitely will not let it. Hence, I'm getting up._

Wait, get up?

Castiel doesn't open his eyes from the growing heaviness in his head, but he didn't quite realize that it had spread throughout his whole body.

Hence he's lying flat on the floor feeling like an idiot for standing up too abruptly. He places his shaky palms on the floor and manages to lift himself up from the bedstand, an unfamiliar one at that.

He raises his eyelids slowly, a little scared by the light that doesn't burn his eyes immediately. He blinks and teleports into a well lit bedroom, dark stucco walls that made the room a lot bigger than it was. A ceiling light above him enamored the room with it's pale yellow tint and made the white sheets of the messy bed glow, in one of the corners there lay an oak dresser with multiple drawers, a small mirror was attached to it and Cas drags himself towards it.

His eyes looked heavy, the blue in them dim and robust, his neck wound wasn't bandaged anymore but the scars were still there, just slightly though. He places his hands over his face and feels how dangly and stretchy his skin had become, not to mention how tanned he looked from his travels. He looks unbearably ugly. 

He pulls himself away after he had enough and marches towards the door awkwardly. There were subtle creaks from the wooden floor as he places his hand on the door knob, there were strange symbols carved into the door's designs as he made his way out into a hallway, it seems he was inside a cabin. Small bookcases surrounded the narrow corridor and a hefty amount of novels, guides, myths, historical- almost everything filled thee dusty spaces. The walls were almost barren, except for a few unrecognizable photos in soggy looking frames and gun displays. A shotgun was the closest towards Castiel as he moves forward, he made a mental note if things went sour, being unarmed and all.

He reaches the end of the hall and peeks from the corner, two seater sofas faced a worn out fireplace, it didn't seem like it had been used for eons. Everything was made of wood but a few shades lighter than his room. On his left was a dining area, a worn out table with a few chairs lined up with it, a single plastic vase sat in the centre with some incense sticks, almost everything had strange symbols carved into them- none of them unscathed.

How festive.

Castiel paces in the room and stared until an unfamiliar photograph caught his eye and draws himself close. It was a group photo, a blonde woman was sitting on the floor wearing plaid and a matching pale green jacket and jeans, she was really beautiful with her piercing eyes that stared back. Beside her was a brunette, quite older looking woman with similar dressing and a warm smile, her arm is laced around the girl- they seem close. Behind them three men stood, all wearing dulled out jeans and even duller plaid. He notices a tall, long haired brunette posing quite stiffly with an awkward smile plastered on his face, beside him was an older, chubbier man- his beard with a peppered tint and the look in his eyes like that of a bulldog, almost drunk and almost vicious. He had a baseball cap that said something Castiel couldn't understand, on the corner left the third man stood, he wore a brown leather jacket a few sizes too big and a grey dress shirt with grey plaid, he was grinning- almost childlike- towards the camera, the hair dusty and dirty blonde that's quite cropped from the sides. His stance looked vaguely familiar and he squints, this can't be?-

_Dean?!?_

His mouth fell at the sight, there was no doubt about it. He places his fingers under his chin, something about this photo looked very odd to him, the space besides Dean looked severely empty and the photo looked ruined from that side. It wasn't burnt or anything but it just looked... Blurry? As if some static created this moldy look beside him. He turns his eyes towards Dean again, he looked so happy, and VERY young here, maybe the huge brunette on his side was Sam? Is that what he looked like? Then who were the others? Did he know them personally? Who was this old man?-

  
"If you're done snooping around-"

Castiel's thoughts stop, hell almost everything in his body stops when he hears that voice. It was a deep, old kind of sound. The heavy footsteps get closer and he had no other choice but to confront it, if things go haywire he knew where the shotgun was. He turns his head slowly and made eye contact with the source, the bushy beard was kind of a giveaway.

"No need to rush me, I'm not going to bite... Yet" he spoke with a slight irritation in his voice "What the hell brought you out here in the first place? And with the boys no less"

Castiel's arms became stiff from his sleep, but now they felt separated from his body, he had no idea what got into him when he raised his right arm. The bushy man's eyes widened but he remained steadfast and within a few seconds Castiel understood why. A surging pain rushed through his right shoulder and he bites his tongue from the pain, his arm is motionless as he falls to his knees. He could barely hold himself together but two soft, wrinkly grab onto him, twice in an hour already, yikes.

"Okay hotshot no need to be like that, Jesus where does Dean find these kind of clowns?" He mumbles as he placed Cas' arm around his shoulder and helps him get on his feet.

Castiel rubs off his pained expression as he takes his arm back defensively. His helper just shakes his head as he walks towards the other end of the room "Might as well, Dean is this way, maybe he can do the honor of explaining what happened, you won't try to attack him I presume?" He chuckles slightly

Castiel followed suit, completely mortified to his core

"The name's Bobby Singer, I'm Sam and Dean's uncle of some sort, so no need to be afraid, if you don't want to trust me then by all means do whatever the hell you want, not my business to care really" his baseball cap bounces with him. Castiel nods slightly, still a bit dazed by his fiasco from a few minutes ago.

Bobby walks into the hall and passes by the room Castiel lay in. They stood in front of a dark red door, it was at the end of the hall and he didn't even notice it being there. His wrinkled hands turn the knob very slowly but the creaks still ensue, Cas peeks a little over his hat and lets the room speak on its own.

There are ruffled white bedsheets with a heavy, embroidered brown cloak on top with Sam underneath it. He lies on the bed completely immobilized, the cloak and sheets absorbing into his large stature. His hair is clean but disheveled over his slightly bruised face, nothing excessively deep.

The room was very much similar to Castiel's, stucco and wooden panels all around with the exception of a large window, it was covered by thick maroon curtains and only a trickle of grey light entered the room. Dean sat beside it on uncomfortable wooden seat, his bandaged arms were crossed over his toned chest. His face looks worn out and his eyelashes bobbed with every stale twitch.

Castiel wanted to go near and talk to him but something in his stomach told him not to. Dean looks up very slowly and gives him a half-assed grin with a dark look in his eyes.

"You're finally awake, that's good. Did you rest well?"

" Dean, what is going on? How long was I out?"

"Almost a day I suppose, I kind of lost track of things the moment I saw you boys" Bobby whispers and motions to the others to do the same "For some reason I heard noises, and I mean very loud noises where I was roaming, earthquakes from the apocalypse kind. I see you lot screaming and shoving yourselves in a worn out truck and then be sucked into the road that god knows broke somehow" he scratches his round stomach and shoves his hands in his pockets "I honestly never thought I'd see you again, I never even remotely considered that you boys may be out there somewhere, still getting caught up in shit. I was happy to see you but then again...the circumstance? Not so much"

"Did you not...did you not get attacked?" Castiel blurts out before he could take it back

"The only things out there were you three"

"But the earthquake-how were you able to?"

"It stopped the moment I reached you three, don't you remember any of it?"I

Castiel shakes his weary head, his eyes bearing a look of defeat and confusion.

"I'm glad that the two of you managed to come out of it. Sam should be waking up soon too but...something tells me that isn't the case. Your friend here also gave it a shot when we pulled him out of the rubble but he didn't show any signs of response"

"I... I don't remember any of this. I'm still somehow confused how we're still alive in the first place. The monsters, they... I don't know really, how have they not attacked us if we've been here for almost a day?"

"The house is warded. It's been protecting me for years-one of the many perks of having these encyclopedias scattered about"

"Which wards did you use?"

"All of em"

Castiel wants to laugh at the absurdity of it all but somehow his eyes always ended up on Dean, or his frozen silhouette more like.

"And if people managed to find their way...lets just say I dealt with them without making things too bloody. Ahem" Bobby coughs with ease "But now that you boys are here I think those days might be outnumbered, not that I'm complaining but still"

Castiel shifts his gaze towards Dean, he was quiet this whole time and he wanted to hear him say something but his eyes remain fixed on Sam. Castiel extends his hand and places it on his stoff shoulder "Dean?" He whispers near him

"Hmm?" He responds, completely unfazed by his hand and his closeness, he didn't even turn to look at him as he spoke

"Bobby? Is?..." Castiel mumbles as his eyes shift from Sam and Dean constantly, he tries to hide the worry in his eyes but somehow couldn't.

"Sam is overall fine, slightly underweight I'll admit but...I don't really know what this is. I've dealt with unconscious people before but...this is just something that's out of my hands. I wish Dean and I could say something more but-"

"You know that's not it Bobby" Dean erupts and stares at the older man "I'm fucking confused" he stands and phases between Bobby and Castiel- any place that was far away from the corner. Castiel sucks some air through his teeth and let's his lungs rest until Dean started speaking again.

"I don't understand Bobby, I mean... You were dead, we burned your remains over 8 years ago and now all of a sudden... You're here and alive? Not to mention in this hidden cabin where you kept yourself holed up for... how long? You didnt even think..that maybe we'd be okay?"

"Dean, I was dead, remember? I can't even fathom how I'm even talking to you right now, let alone this guy!" Bobby points at Castiel, who stood quietly. 

Dean shakes his head, the blonde of his hair slightly grey and worn out "What is going on with us? With Sam?" And **you**!?" He turns erratically and lessens the gap betwrrn them "You blacked out on me man! What the hell happened to you out there? If it wasn't for Bobby our asses would've been buried underneath that rubble for who knows how long! Not to mention DEAD!"

Castiel squints and feels the strain in their relationship the longer Dean's eyes burned into his skin. His hands reach his forehead and he starts pressing onto his dry skin. He tried to understand but he what he just couldn't remember

_What was he trying to forget?_

The throbbing disappears again and he finds the will to answer "I have very little recollection of what happened, I'm not even sure why I can't remember but you must know I did not mean for things to go that way. I'm sorry for my behavior"

His gaze melts a bit but was replaced with a wave of confusion "Why are you talking like that? Why have you been talking at all?" Dean's words feel like poison cutting through the air "You've been saying some messed up shit before we caught up with Sam. What is going on?" He reaches out to him but for some reason Castiel moves away.

Something inside him boiled, intensely so.

_What was happening?_

"...Cas?"

"Shut up"

_What?_

“What?” Dean takes a step back and turns the other way, he didn’t want him to see the hurt in his stale eyes. 

“What is going on with you? I already have one thing pestering my mind and I don’t need another mess to start, Cas! Whatever the hell it is I expect you to shape up, or better yet? Just leave. You’ve done your part so let me do mine” He turns back but only to see his shadow fade away from the wall

"When the hell did he-?” he looks at Bobby's confused eyes- who only shrugs in response. Dean clicks his tongue as he hears a loud thud echo in the hall- this time he chose not to go after him.

He was tired but the lack of voices gave him comfort. Dean places himself at the edge of the bed, his hands graze Sam's leg weakly, he stifles a gut wrenching cry and blinks away the pain collecting in his throat.

**Nothing mattered**


	2. Log 12.0: Tenderness

_I’m sad._

_Because of something I can’t understand, I’m sad; it’s unnerving, like someone whistling near your damaged ear drum or a recurring nightmare that leaves you nauseas throughout the day. I don’t want to be sad, but I am._

_I’m lazy and hungry, I can’t think of any other reason why I could be sad. Was it because of the past few days? Maybe the past few weeks? I felt better then, no doubt but… that’s all I can really manage to corroborate._

_I’m sad._

There’s a knock on the door and Castiel is brought back to his senses, his bag is open in front of him, the prickly fresh scent from his clean clothes and skin soothing his thoughts. The veins in his wrists pop a little more than usual as he assembles his belongings and wraps his bowls, flask and ruined pages of ancient maps and drawings, he had no recollection as to why he had collected these scribbles in the first place, maybe he intended on getting out of here one day? Getting out of America? That would be a nice change of pace, if there’s a slight chance that something still exists out there.

The door opened, he had honestly forgotten someone had knocked a few seconds ago. Dean pops his head inside comically before he steps in slowly; he doesn’t acknowledge him and continues his packing.

Dean looks tired, his eyes two shades darker, shoulders slouched and his movement less defensive than before, Castiel would’ve noticed these things but right now he seems out of it.

_I feel sad._

“Umm, hey?” Dean scratches the back of his head as his eyes wander around the room, hoping he could catch his eyes as he does so.

Several seconds pass and he doesn’t initiate anything and Dean being a pain in the ass persists, but this time enunciating near his right ear.

“HEY! ANYONE UP THERE??” he breathes out with his hands cupping the edges of his mouth.

“Do you need something? I’m occupied here” he looks up, for the first time in days towards Dean and makes eye contact, although you could tell that he was not in the mood for his theatrics.

“Okay so how long will you be pouting? It’s been two days already! Can’t a guy get some sort of break in this isolation? We can’t leave and neither can we kill each other; so wouldn’t it be best if we just stepped outside and just came up with some plan? Bobby will make cookies, my treat!” he smilesd and looks him up and down hesitantly.

Castiel wanted nothing else but to choke him and his snarky ass remarks.

Dean sensed his hostility and knew he couldn’t keep up with his antics any longer “Okay so clearly, this isn't working. Is it about what I said?” he shut his eyes tightly as he leaned against the wooden dresser, finally giving Cas some breathing space.

He remained silent and managed to finish packing his bag, his hands were shaking and an uneasy, dizzy spell was erupting in his synapses 

“Castiel? How long do you intend on keeping this up? We don’t have time to-"

“We? Or do you mean you?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean? Sam is in there right now and I have no idea how to bring him back and for some reason those things were drawn to you, as unconscious as you were they were drawn to you”

“So what? You want to trade me in for your brother’s sake? Is that it?”

“First of all I never even thought of that! But there is definitely something going on with you and I’d like to know what the hell that thing is! Is that too much to ask, after all we’ve been through don’t I deserve that much?”

“At this point I don’t think you’d understand”

“Excuse me?” Dean stood upright, his defenses are back up and he stomps towards him, the force in his hands making him turn. His strong hands grip onto his shirt’s worn out collar and brings him in just inches away from his chest “You did not just say that I wouldn’t understand, you did NOT just say that”

Castiel remains quiet, his eyes worn out from the constant dialogue from Dean, he wanted to be alone right now but he was too weary to even leave the room for that short moment of solace, everything hurt and everything sucked.

_I feel sad._

“Cas? What the actual fuck is going on? I’m yelling at you and you refuse to respond” Dean’s grip lessens around him even though he wanted his anger to linger for a little while longer, maybe he was tired too?

“I need to pack and I need to leave. Being angry at me won’t help you with your misgivings.”

“Then don’t give me a reason to get angry Cas…”

“What? Not talking when one doesn’t feel like it is now something that pisses you off? It’s just you who has the right to get angry whenever the fuck you want?”

“You know that isn’t it, you know I didn’t mean it when I-”

“Then what else did you mean? What else did you fucking mean when you told me to fucking leave? You want to know what my problem is?” He takes two steps closer to him while Dean takes one step back “I’m always, and I mean ALWAYS thinking about how inevitable the despicable crossroads have been in my life, thinking that it may get better but alas there’s always something that ends up taking all of that away. And all I’m left is with this hollow sack I call my own, my body that refuses to acknowledge that it’s changing even though it feels as if it wasn’t meant to change-”

“Cas what are you-?”

“It keeps forgetting, the consistency that I was so aware of isnow...lost, and my memories keep deteriorating even though I don’t want them to, god damn it I don’t”

Dean’s eyes are erratic; he doesn’t know whether he wants to get close or get farther away.

“But you…”

His eyes widen, not from want but from fear.

“You’re familiar; you always have been since we met. Something with you has been stuck with me and I’ve forced myself not to think about it, but I couldn’t… Everything with you is like ink's been smeared around the walls in my head, I just can’t fathom or recollect what was there before; all I know is that it’s you.”

Dean stands silently, his lower lip slightly separated from his upper.

“I’m afraid, I’m afraid of what was happening to me near the Edge, I saw your grave, those things that cowered over me, I was so fucking afraid and somehow my body knew that, it couldn’t fathom that change. It could feel something that I couldn’t, something hidden, something that connects me to all of this and those monsters, I know it.”

“How could you keep all of this from me?” Dean adds in his dialogue, Castiel ruffles his hair a little more with his free hand and places it on his face right after. He suddenly starts to smile, his teeth like pearls upon his brittle lips.

“You wouldn’t have listened. You didn’t even address it when I had those panic infused black outs. I can’t blame you, you were already so hell bent on saving your brother, so how could I have expected you to listen and understand?”

Dean swallows hard.

“And honestly, what are we to each other?”

“That’s enough” Dean hastens towards Castiel’s backpack that hangs off his left shoulder, but before he could grasp it he moves away. Dean sighs angrily with his hands wide open, looking at him expectantly and clinging onto what hope he has left

“Give it to me. I’m telling you, we can fix this”

“There’s nothing left to fix. This conversation is over” Castiel starts walking away into the hall; it takes Dean a few good seconds to react and follows him down the hall

“How can you say that? He mumbles to himself “How can you keep saying shit like that and act like a dick even more!” He shouts while he wipes the sweat off his forehead. He follows him back to where Sam and Bobby were and saw him saying his goodbyes

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? You can’t possibly think you’ll make it out alive!” Dean shouts as he gets closer to Castiel, who has a strange assertiveness in his eyes “Talk to me. I can’t let you bail knowing you can help Sam, I don’t want to use force”

“Get out of my way” He reminds him as he places his hand on his chest. Dean grabs onto his wrist while his right portrays a gesture of surrender. Irritated, Cas grabbed onto Dean’s wrist instead a d tries sloping out of his grasp.

“I said GET-“ he grits his teeth until his wide eyes freeze. His eyes look towards the wrist he grabbed and senses a strange hard string tangle up around his index finger. He looks closely at it and starts breathing heavily.

“Cas?” Dean asks reluctantly. Bobby stares worryingly from the side and takes one step closer to poke his shoulder. Dean stares back at Castiel, his blue eyes vehemently looking at the wrapped object. “What the hell is wrong with him Bobby? Cas!? Talk to me!” Dean bellows as he shakes Castiel by the shoulders

“Where did you?.. what? Where did this?-” Castiel stammers, his eyes a lot more luminous than usual.

**So, so much more.**

“Cas?” Dean shudders as he tries to get his hand out of Castiel’s, but his grip was stronger than he had imagined “Castiel let go of me! What is going on?!”

And just like that

**The room starts to spin**

It felt instantaneous, but the jolt somehow lingered a lot longer than he had wanted it to. The room filled itself with a fulminating sound, something so massive that it sent Dean flying towards the corner of the room, while Bobby shielded Sam with his body which was struggling to hold onto the ends of the bed. Dean became still on the vibrating floor boards, the ringing in his ears greeting the blood that oozed from his head, it wasn’t a lot but it was enough to make him feel groggy while his insides twisted maliciously. Dean was overwhelmed by the rotating room and the burning bright light that escaped Castiel’s agape mouth and star struck eyes, he was levitating a few centimeters from the ground and somehow getting farther away from it.

And that’s when he saw it.

**Black wings**

Dean tried searching for an object that could’ve been hard enough to incapacitate him but everything circled around his battered head. He decides to try something even more reckless to make the spinning stop.

Dean used up all of his strength he had so willingly managed to save up these past few days into that one push from the floor and marched heavy footed towards the floating figure, each step felt like an agonized tear in his muscles but he refused to be brought down any longer.

“Dean what the hell are you doing? YOU CAN'T JUST WALTZ INTO HIM HE’S A GOD DAMN NUKE” Bobby screams as his hat flies over his head and pokes into his left eye.

“I have to try Bobby! UGH, I CAN’T KEEP PLAYING IT SAFE ANYMORE!” Dean’s voice cracks as he gets closer. Within two heavy steps he manages to reach Castiel’s body and pulls on his sleeves harshly but they came off in his hands while his body still levitated

“God damn it Cas!” he screams with his eyes closed, the light was starting to burn his skin a little. Dean lunges towards him in one swift jump and manages to get a hold of him. He places his hand at the back of his neck and pulls him in, forcing his own weight on him so that gravity could do the rest, but it wasn't working.

Even with Castiel's simmering body heat wasn't harmed, he just held onto him without realising what he was doing. Dean could smell his smoky peppermint scent and started caressing the arched bones of his back, small black specks tickle and run across his fingers and he drew in even closer, burying his nose into his collarbone.

He felt something.

Something on his back.

He pulls him in

Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean’s waist and releases a jolt in his spine. Dean had gone blind, he couldn’t sense anything but that and he wanted to wriggle out somehow. His head starts spinning, on the verge of snapping him apart and he buried his fingers into Castiel’s skin to lessen the pain somehow, but not for that purpose alone.

**I am so angry at you**

**I don’t know why, but I am.**

**I want to hurt you somehow, so that you know how it makes me feel**

**But I fear**

**I fear that you may have something else going on inside of you**

**And I wish I could pull it out of your skin right now, just so I could finally tell you how angry I am.**

**I am so angry at you Cas.**

He feels his insides burn in innumerable ways, blood falls from his lips but Castiel keeps him still, no matter how much he wanted to make it stop.

Dean could feel someone tugging at his arms but his unconscious self couldn’t care less, it was all coming back to him somehow. His emotions, his fragile bones and all the countless bullshit he somehow got rid of or was forced to get rid of.

**Can I finally tell you how angry I am at you?**

The rotations and vibrations stop, the room becomes still and their unconscious bodies fall and create a colossal wave on the floor, the room’s colors fade back into normalcy, the flaxen grey hues a blessing in disguise.

Both of their limp bodies breathe slowly and Bobby haphazardly slaps their faces for a response, he goes towards Castiel and checks for a pulse, something falls from his grasp but he’s least bothered about it.

The small mask sparks and the steam leaves a mark on Castiel’s palm, the same mark appears on Dean’s wrist, which is much lighter in comparison. Bobby gets up and idly stands over him with his hands behind his back, his eyes wander over both Dean and Castiel, he looks moist from the palpitations and the tense ache in his back.

Bobby takes two steps back and picks his wooden chair off the floor, he sits in it slowly and straightens himself out. A few good silent seconds later he announces with a grimace

“Balls”


	3. Log 13.0: Old Beginnings

The sun cascades over the mountains mirage with vibrancy, it's delicate texture couldn’t be captured from the spot they stood in, but the fogs that lessened around it did make it seem massive by its grandeur.

_And all is now grey_

Hey! You ready to catch up with him?” A kind, familiar voice speaks towards you. _  
_

It’s Sam, him and his eyes glittering in the sunlight, his freckles deep on his skin as he smiles. He looks healthy, almost pristine in his dark green plaid and faded blue jeans which you’ve seen him wear over a thousand times, but somehow are still in awe at how handsome he looked.

You give a small nod, slightly dazed by how unaware you were about your journey but you agree anyways, because you trust him. Sam waves a small brown bag that gives off a warm floury scent

“He’d be happy to know I found some slices of pie for him, and a few banana muffins for ourselves; who says road trip snacks can’t be healthy?” Sam gleams as he hands the brown bag to you and starts fiddling with his car keys. You get to the other side of the passenger seat and wait for the car to unlock, which it does 2 seconds later.

The car was spacious enough for Sam’s wide stature, although it doesn’t seem as familiar as the other car you’ve driven in with him, the interior was much paler and beige like in comparison, the seats were comfier and didn’t have that strange musky, blood like smell on them.

You feel pleased but still very dazed so you decide to look at yourself in the side view mirror and fix the brown strands of hair that were covered your eyes. They radiated the same way, but something was off in the blue that reflected back.

_Turn back  
_

Sam starts the ignition and swerves the car out of parking, you look up through the window and see the freshly trimmed grass aluminate from the morning dew, children are playing and slipping while the groundskeeper yells at them from a bench he refused to leave. More people leave the bakery with the same brown bags, a multiplicity of scents invade your atmosphere, chocolates, creams, strawberries and vanilla are the most dominant ones.

“If your ass is that hungry then eat the god damn thing you’re holding, and give me my stash too” A demanding husky voice emanates near you.

  
You recollect yourself and blink excessively, you’re no longer at the front seat with Sam but you sit behind two large silhouettes in a different car, as dark as he had remembered it. Worn down leather and the strong musky scent brings you back and you look down at the brown bag that vibrated in your lap, everything changed besides that.

Sam turns to take it from you and communicates with you through his eyes “You don’t want any?” he blinks and stares apprehensively. You shake your head and turn down the car window on your left, the children and bakeries were replaced by glimpses of worn out towns and massive pine trees; many woods pass on by as you stare.

_You are still dazed._

“You know you should eat something before this gig, who knows when you’ll get the time later” Dean muffles through the large slice of pie that writhes in his mouth, Sam sits an inch away from him, completely disgusted by his behavior but even with his mouth full Dean continues to talk, even managing a smile through his treat

“You know what I bet I’ll still be hungry after the gig so I’ll take you out to eat then, I bet Sam would be too because of the crap he willingly chooses to put in his body” he swallows and looks at Sam, who’s giving him the side eye while he takes a massive bite out of his muffin, the smoldering grimace not leaving his face.

You try to hold back but you let out a laugh and feel the warmth inside of you burst as the whirring car drives through the unknown lands. Dean looks at you through the rearview mirror and grins with ardor, the green marbles meeting your own as your laugh turns into a small chuckle. You look away and graze the end of your nose with your index finger and watch the day fade.

You sense something moist on your hand and turn to look at it slowly.

The red twists around your torn fingers collect in the palm of your hand, it flows to the other end.

And drops

“Cas?”

_You are still dazed._

_And all is now grey._

“Cas?” he whispers as he places his hand on your right shoulder. You blink even more, stunned by the colors you saw in the palm of your hand and how it twisted around your fingers.

All now miraculously healed.

“Hey? Have you gotten your stuff yet? All your blades and what not?” he questions as he balances the strap of his duffle bag, the green even more close than anticipated.

You look around and see that you are no longer in the impala, but in the bunker. The corner of the massive meeting room table was filled with different trinkets and weapons, jars full of hair and unknown fluids; all of it was shoved into his duffle bag, most probably to store it in the trunk.

“When did we?” you pause and run your fingers through your hair, something felt off in the pit of your stomach, your throat ran dry and no amount of swallowing was helping you ease the pain. Dean finishes with his task and turns towards you, the worry in his eyes minor but apparent. He places his hand on your forehead, his touch featherlike and gentle upon your skin.

Dean clicks his mouth “Eh, you’re fine. You can last through this one pretty easily, and remember; we are going to go out for some grub soon after so I don’t want any bailing, Sam disappointed me already” You smile weakly but whole heartedly, the strange aftertaste in your mouth subsided and you hasten towards the staircase.

“Wait hold up, just one more thing” Dean waddles slightly as he closes the zipper of his bag and adjusts the holsters wrapped around his waist.

You bite your lower lip and turn around to wait for him, Dean’s waddling disappears and he wraps his arm around your waist roughly and closes the distance, his other hand grips onto your frizzled locks at the back of your head as he dives into your lips. He kisses you deeply, making sure he’s angled you the way he likes and your lips are completely buried in his. He tastes slightly of beer, but mostly sweet by the pie that still lingered on his tongue, but all in all his kiss was something so profound and daunting that it sent an electric jolt down your spine every time.

What feels like minutes just ends within seconds, Dean forcefully pulls himself back and gives off a huge sigh, both his hands are on your shoulders and he looks at you, slightly exasperated and red from every angle 

“If I can’t control myself then at least you could stop me” He laughs coyly, never breaking eye contact “It’s just… you never know, right?” Dean swallows and speaks slowly while he guides you towards the staircase “I know it isn’t that horrible of a case we’re dealing with but…" something makes him stop and his tone changes drastically "I’ll just see you outside in the car, okay?” Dean fumbles as he scratches the back of his head. He releases your hand and moves farther away and you place it to your side, as if defeated

_And all is now grey.  
_

“Okay so game plan guys, should we split up or-“ Dean mumbles as he collects his weapons from the trunk of the car, his lazy arms swerving about with those massive knives and pistols as if they were mere playthings; at this point maybe they were.

We stood outside an abandoned warehouse, it's name faded away from it's walls and only smudges of red and green paint existed.

The grass is vast as you step throug them, as though buried in the Moors of places unknown. You balance the angel blade against your palm, it slides to and fro inside your sleeve, you realize this act was reckless but you do it anyways.

“Dean I think it would be best if we stick together, Sylvia and the other few people we interrogated said that it managed to get those kids BECAUSE they were alone and no one had seen them, so let’s not risk anything with this monster for now.”

“Yeah, yeah I know; we’ve dealt with wendigos before, this one won’t be any different. Let’s just get this over with and head on home”

“But I still think we should be careful. I feel like something still doesn’t add up regarding their alibis; they go into the woods-” Sam continues as Dean walks away from him and he patiently follows “But somehow they escape? With just a few bruises and symptoms of minor amnesia?”

Dean twists his head adamantly, his brows furrowed and his stares heavy “A big creepy thing with grabby claw like hands trying to kidnap people in the woods? It all points to a wendigo to me” his hand is firm on his silver blade that’s casually placed on his left shoulder, clearly he’s used it multiple times in his hunts.

Sam looks solemnly at him, and then at you and gives a hesitant nod. You begin walking through the tall prickly grass, placing your hands through them from time to time and Dean smiles at the innocence that radiates from it.

This place was oddly beautiful, a vast, unknown garden where you could lay and never be seen again. Maybe you’ll do just that after this day is over.

You’ll invite Sam and Dean too.

That would be nice

_All is now grey  
_

“Sam! You still with us?!” Dean screams even louder by cupping his hands around his mouth.

You shake your head and place your hand over the throbbing. Dean’s flashlight was the only emanating object that allowed them to see through the massive dust cloud.

The ceiling tunneled in and large pieces of concrete piled up in front of them, Dean starts fumbling with the heavy pieces in order to find an air gap, you follow his lead and push away the pieces as well. 

Dean screams again, this time with more force in both his voice and his hands.

“Y- yeah! I’m alright.” Sam responds shakily, the concrete barrier wasn't budging even as they dug through it

"This looks like a bust Dean, lets just regroup towards one of the rooms on the other side, I think I’ll manage somehow”

“No! Let me come to you, you just stay where you are right now, who knows what you’ll end up seeing? This is exactly why I was not in favor of splitting up!” He winces exasperatedly, clearly consuming all of his energy over his worry

“Technically, I was the one who suggested not splitting up; and Dean we’ll just be wasting time going around in circles, we’ll meet up soon, I can handle it by myself from here” we hear his footsteps fade away from the barrier. Dean opens his mouth and realized that it was too late to retaliate.You see the panic in his eyes and he starts walking off in the other direction, acting defeated in his steps.

“I’ll go meet up with him, you go on ahead” You speak through the dust and start to cough a bit through it's intensity

"Are you nuts? We just agreed no more splitting up, now more than ever!” he grinds his teeth and unintentionally points his flashlight in your eyes.

You lower it, squinting as you do so “Relax, he’s just around the corner from here, and I have my angel blade remember?”

Dean shrugs with hesitation and turns around to moan softly “Ugh, I suppose I do need to take a break every now and then. I guess it would be alright, I don’t think wendigos munch on angel meat too often” he snickers childishly and turns his head to show the ridiculous grin on his lips

You don’t get it.

“What?”

“Aah, never mind. If I don’t find your ass towards that hall in 10 minutes” He enunciates by directing his light towards a moldy and algae infected hallway “You know what’ll be coming then.”

“…You?” you answer, annoyed.

“…Yes, and a whole lot else”

You both stare at each other awkwardly and you’re the first to break eye contact and move away.

Your ears itch from the dust and the darkness, the windows are covered by decade old tape and brown paper and blocked the rays of sunlight. Old rusty shelves containing a few faded sheets of paper block your path but you move them away easily and carry on.

The hall cut towards the right and the left; instinctively you go right, knowing that Sam would be somewhere in that direction. The heels of your shoes place themselves softly on the marble floor as you zoom through the suffocating hallway until you reach another curve. Two doors exist on both the left and right, you place your hands and push on the first one on your left.

Locked

You do the same for the other two doors, first right and then left, both were locked or blocked from the other side; you then go towards the last one on the right, this was the largest out of all of them and had a massive plate hovering above it that read-

**Cafeteria**

Your right hand grasps onto the angel blade and you hold in your breath

_Click_

The door opens slowly, particles of dust fall over your head but it doesn't faze you in the slightest.

Your eyes scan the gigantic room with tossed auburn tables and chairs. The wide rectangular windows lit up the whole place, plastic grey food trays were lined up neatly behind a glass covered stall, you’re not sure what it's called but it's where humans would get their food, like in those high school movies that Dean would make fun of.

You walk carefully through the flung furniture, speeding up your pace as you jumped over and dodged some of the hurdles. You make it towards the glass cover and place your free hand on it. The dust was eating the structure alive but it wasn't enough to hide whatever was inside. The metal squares were empty, just filled with cobwebs and a few cockroaches here and there, but a small, blue object catches your eye.

_A book? What was that doing here?_

You tried finding an entrance behind the stall but chose an alternate route instead, you hurdled inwards from the slippery counter and land on your feet effortlessly.

The book was in a well-kept condition even if it was covered with dust and soil. You slap it gently on and blew on it to remove the small specks that remained, the title read:

**_“The complete poems of John Keats”_**

Your eyes bear a puzzling look, you never delved into books such as these, only enochian scriptures or spells and incantations, so what was this about? You shake your head but the puzzled expression still lingered. You slowly put the book back but a twinge in your chest made you think otherwise.

You grew curious.

**Very curious**

The book was tiny in his hands and as you opened it you could see why. The font size was miniscule, and it strained your eyes as you grazed through words you couldn’t understand, over emotions you couldn’t understand. You squint even more than usual, and the veins in your head bulge out and for some reason you couldn’t pull yourself away. You end up on a page that was slightly more legible from afar and the ink wasn’t as dull.

_Ode on Melancholy_

You begin to read

_No, no! go not to Lethe, neither twist  
Wolf’s-bane, tight-rooted, for its poisonous wine;  
Nor suffer thy pale forehead to be kist  
By nightshade, ruby grape of Proserpine;  
Make not your rosary of yew-berries,  
Nor let the beetle, nor the death-moth be  
Your mournful Psyche, nor the downy owl  
A partner in your sorrow’s mysteries;  
For shade to shade will come too drowsily,  
And drown the wakeful anguish of the soul.  
_

You squint your eyes at the words that confuse you so, if you didn’t know any better you were reading some form of spell or ingredients for a potion. Wolf’s-bane? Death-moth?

But even then, you continue to read

_But when the melancholy fit shall fall  
Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud  
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,  
And hides the green hill in an April shroud;  
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,  
Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,  
Or on the wealth of globed peonies;  
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,  
Emprison her soft hand and let her rave,  
And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes.  
She dwells with Beauty- Beauty that must die;  
And Joy, whose hand is ever at his lips  
Bidding adieu; and aching Pleasure nigh,  
Turning to poison while the bee-mouth sips:  
Ay, in the very temple of Delight  
Veil’d Melancholy has her sovran shrine,  
Though seen of none save him whose strenuous tongue  
Can burst Joy’s grape against his palate fine;  
His soul shall taste the sadness of her might,  
And be among her cloudy trophies hung._

You feel something erupt from within you, your stomach aches for some unknown reason and you bury your fingers into the dull yellow pages. You close the book and your eyes slowly.

_Turn back_

_What is happening to me? Why today for some reason?_

You start counting backwards, you've seen Sam do it sometimes and you couldn't come up with any other solution

**10**

**9**

**8**

**7**

**6**

**5**

**4**

**3**

**2**

**1**

You open your eyes

A figure stood in front of you

You gasp and reflexively pull out your angel blade to perform a fierce slashing motion, but the figure dodges it and lunges towards you with their massive arms, hitting the blade and tossing it out of your hand.

“HEY IT’S ME”

Your blink at the silhouette and you try to catch your breath from the impact. A few seconds passed until you could see again.

You feel their hand hover above you and for once you wanted him to punch you senseless

“Come on I promise I won’t tell Dean about this” Sam grins as he pulls you up from the dusty floor, swatting away bits and pieces of dust bunnies from your trench coat “I saw you through the kitchen door but you didn’t respond, I got a little worried there” he takes two steps away and you walk behind him slowly

“I just got caught up in this book, and then I just…I don’t know. Let’s just focus on finishing this job”

Sam could sense the slightly hostile tone you spoke in but he obliged and just nodded in response. The room was shrouded in darkness with a slight chill in the air, it felt lathery on your skin and bones

“How long was I-? When did the sun set?” You look at the back of Sam’s head and see the paleness spread from his nape; his breathing stopped as he looked at the pitch black windows, his breath as cold as ice.

“Something isn’t right”

Even with discussing it you begin to run

The halls seemed so much narrower and unreceptive as you ran through them while Sam followed swiftly, even with your fazed state you managed to lead yourself towards the right path and reach the meet up point.

“I don’t understand, we met only moments ago” you shivered, but from what?

“Let’s go further in, it’s not like him to be late” Sam gasped for air but conversed smoothly “I think there’s a double door up ahead” he kept slapping his flashlight due to it's constant flickering but it still shuts off completely

“Something is definitely off, if only I could see better!” he exasperated, the irritation in his voice was infectious and you felt more agitated the longer he murmured. He pulls out a red flare fro his bag and in one swift move he tears the top open and it sizzles to life.

He held it with ease, completely in tune and unaffected by the sparks and the flames that breathed so close to his face, the heat from the flare was comforting in the cold air around us, but Sam’s clenched jaw thought otherwise.

You both look at each other once more, a little more distant than you've felt with him and turn. You forward and slide the angel blade in your hand again, the doors beckoning to be opened.

They're surrounded by the same blackness from before, but in closer view it sent a vile chill down their spine.

They were black roots

Even with your calm demeanor you quiver at the sight. Sam’s wide eyes were plastered but his tone remained firm “Come on” he breathed and pulls on your sleeve.

The roots were moving, vibrating by each step as if it were living, almost like veins to a much larger organ.

This wasn't good, not one bit.

You reach the door and place your backs to it; Sam holds the handle to the right while you hold the left. He looks at you, flare still in hand, hovering over him as the heat makes the roots shrivel and shriek, slithering away from the door frame.

3… 2...1

They slam inwards, the cold air swallowing them instantly. The domed room bleeds from the ceiling, the roots swaying and cooing as they descended like treacherous vines. The windows are covered by the same black mass, it's seething like quality spreading the more they looked.

Was it trying to trap us in?

They stand their ground even with the agonizing stimuli that preceded them but a familiar, unconscious figure makes them stumble.

Dean stood motionless beside a massive black cloud, his eyes possessing a vague, empty grey in their usually playful tea green; his arms swayed and he rocked sideways with his parted bloody lips. The creature loomed above him curiously until it took note of the two new souls that entered.

It's malleable anatomy and it's morbid shadowy arms lay below an archaic animal’s skull. You exchange glances with the being and look into it's hollow eye sockets, devoid of almost everything but still aware. You feel your shoulder blades constrict on themselves and contemplate over your best options, Sam's aura was already deliberating their escape

**_What is it you wish to do here?_**

“You can speak?” Sam responds, his eyes watery but his voice compact even if the hands that grasp onto his bag speak differently “We only wish to talk” he adjusts the lump in his throat and casually slides the bag to his right, waving his hands as a sign of surrender, but you knew oh too well that he had something planned. 

**_Aah, fascinating. It seems you both have some affiliation with the one who attacked me._**

“We were solving a case regarding a few kidnappings in the area; our research led us to what we assumed would be a Wendigo’s hunting ground; and you’re...not, so to speak” Sam’s demeanor changed so drastically, his hunter voice emanated in the room as he stared the creature dead in the eye, showing no sign of fear or hesitation, your heart beamed with pride and it gave you the push to stand tall alongside him.

From the corner of your eye you could see his sleuth like hands sway and pull out his silver pistol, it had runes and ancient symbols carved into its grip and ejection point, some enochian and some quite difficult to make out, but you knew what bullets the gun possessed and you took it as a sign to prepare yourself.

**_HAH! I think you are mistaken, I am no Wendigo, But it seems I cannot convince you otherwise? It has been eternities since any human dared speak to me or my kind._**

“Your kind being? Are you some sort of vengeful spirit? A creature from another world?” Now it was you who spoke, the shadow’s skull twisted and turned towards you, attuned to your body and it’s inner machinations as it imitated your vessel's breathing.

You and Sam share a look of discontent

__**_You never seem to surprise me, all of you humans are the same, it was your kind that drove us away, away into this world of eternal damnation, an otherworld where the Ijiraq were doomed to exist forever, it wasn’t until the humans actually forgot about us that we managed to return back, see how well they fared in a world where they believed creations like us did not exist anymore?_** _ _

Sam's grip tightens on the pistol, cocking it slowly behind him.

__**_I think we’ve spoken long enough_** _ _

The shots resonated in the room, the vines screech in the most agonizing range as they cripple from the sensation. Sam shot the creature in it's skull, a perfect aim right between the eyes. The cracks stretch outwards from the hole the bullet left and a ribbon of grey smoke pours out; the creature was motionless, stunned by the intensity of the silver bullet but the body still lingered

____**_I said ENOUGH  
_** _ _ _ _

The multiplicity of sounds within it's voice falls smoothly on their ears, something neither of them could comprehend.

Sam tries to fight it but closes his eyes, as if being vexed by something unknown “Sam?” You call out to him, but he doesn’t respond, he doesn’t even notice you as you extend your hand and reach out.

He’s dazed, eyes grey and dreamily staring at the darkness

“SAM!” You run towards him in a frenzy, your hand only inches away until he's pulled in the other direction

He levitates in the air by an invisible hand clutching his collar. None of this fazed him, his eyes aflutter by the confusion from it all

_And all is now grey_

The Ijiraq stares at Sam with disgust, even with the lack of movement and expressions on it’s skull you could sense the disillusion upon it. It throws him away, his back bangs on the stained concrete wall and falls onto Dean. They topple over one another and fall like dolls upon ground, their eyes as lifeless and murky beyond repair

___Sam… Dean… I don’t understand_ _ _

You fell knives stab you beyond comprehension, feeling powerless to do anything. It sickens you, cuts at the veins within your skin and the many other vexations your vessel could understand but you fail to do so. 

_This had to end_

A familiar ringing reverberates in the room, the blue of your grace emanate from your eyes and your fingertips and freezes everything in the room and for once all of it felt under your control

__**You are different. You are not like them.** _ _

Anger swells inside your throat as you exchange glances from the shadow and Sam and Dean's immobile bodies.

_Aah, you are different. You're not human_

“What have you done to them?”

__**_They're incapacitated for now, I allowed them to dream their hazy dreams and hallucinate their preferred hallucinations; you on the other hand were not affected by my powers._ ** _ _

It’s goat skull twists horizontally and the neck-less shadow elongates, as if imitating a massive snake approaching it's prey. You feel your grace boil inside your lungs, your heart, your head and every nerve ending that existed within your vessel- this surge of power within you...was unfamiliar but you had no other choice but to trust it.

Your hands swirl the blade’s handle and you rush towards the elongated smoke of body. You evade it's sharp claws as it dives with reckless fervour. Your grace is gleaming and electric as it wraps itself around the blade, twisting like vines from your hand to its sharp edge. Your crisp wings unfurl and give you enough strength to take a leap, slashing your blade through the crack in its skull. The dark mist implodes and expels a massive gust of wind in the process, sending a strange jolt of pain in your back.

My wings?

You feel them twitch from the impact, the pain still evident even in it's sizzled form. You hide them away as your feet reach the ground, the stinging bearable under your skin.

You look at the dissipating smoke, a strange echo arising and then fading shortly after. The black veins screech and slowly shrink inside themselves, the black bulbs still ominous and unnerving.

You run towards their bodies as you hear the skull banging on the smooth floor a few feet away. You place your index and middle finger on their necks, their breathing slow in this unknown comatose state. You close your eyes and place your palms on their foreheads and clear their foggy thoughts towards consciousness once more.

You sense relentless pain, memories of John Winchester and of Lucifer in the cage, a woman in white, blood trickling from their fingertips, pulled out nails and salt upon their wounds, black eyes and rouge upon the floors of hell - all of it burns through you the more your cleansed them.

A yellow glow envelopes you and the brothers; even with the strain you power through the broken shards and piece them together. You feel them recover underneath you, their familiar groans almost make you smile.

__**_You are definitely not like them!  
_** _ _

Your body freezes all over

___**Those blue eyes! You are more powerful than I had imagined, what is it you wish to accomplish by awakening those two?**  
___

“JUST SHUT UP. What is it that you want from us? What even are you?” You shout with ferocity while rotating your head to and fro, hopelessly trying to find the source of the voice.

__**_I am a being, and yet I am not. I exist within your world but at the same time I do not. It is your people that drove my kind away, far from your own because we were unwelcome, threatened, seen as the demons you all wished to kill._ ** _ _

It pauses and then begins again, it's voice still sinister 

__**_My kind was forced into isolation, to exist in another world where humanity would not dare to find us. But alas it is you who has managed to walk into my realm unannounced, attacking me and insulting my generosity. Tell me, winged one; how would it feel if you were to starve yourself for an eternity in this world? In a world of your own creation?  
_ ** _ _

“How can you make these claims when we don’t even know what you are?” your eyes bulge around the resurrected vines, their coos echoing once more.

The room was a cascading nightmare but you still spoke “Your kind was harming innocents, trying to take them away! Feed on them or kill them! Is that all just a ruse from your part? How can you blame humanity for sending your kind away?!”

The windows begin to shake the heavier the air becomes, everything floats and twists inside of you, completely out of your control 

Why does it feel like the whole building was falling from the highest stratosphere and into the depths of hell?

Your shivering hands manage to grasp onto Sam and Dean’s shoulders, the tumbling pieces of concrete and bare lightbulbs crash into you but you remain unhinged

“I have to get us out of here! I don’t know if I can but I have to try!” you whisper as you gaze upon their faces, so pale and worn out from the Ijiraq’s handiwork.

__**_That wont be necessary_** _ _

The windows shatter from an unknown impact and a massive gust of wind scrapes you and renders you blind, you cower in pain but cover Sam and Dean from the shards, they leave scratches and cuts on your nape and back but you still hold on. 

It hurts you so much but the tear that trickles down your cheek was not because of it.

_I don’t want to lose you, please...I can't lose you_

__**_We are where we were needed all along_**__

___And all is now grey__ _

__Grey  
_ _

__Grey  
_ _

__**Black**  
_ _

**_Black_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Congratulations on Destiel becoming cannon everyone! I've been struggling with this fanfic for 3 years now but my love for them hasn't wavered! So lets get ittt, hopefully before 2020 ends :S


	4. Log 14:0: Forgotten Endings

The grey fog dispels, excessive dust and crushed cement invades your lungs and your eyes find it difficult to adjust to the clouds. Pieces of it are swimming in your eye, blinking ferociously manages to get them out but you still feel stifled by the dust cloud; your grasp is the only thing allowing you to stay calm.

They’re here! They’re okay.

“Grugh, what the actual hell” Dean coughs, shaking his head, his spiky hair falling sloppily on his forehead, he rubs his eyes and flicks away pieces of concrete from the back to the front, Sam takes a lot longer to get up because his large stature was buried under a myriad of shards and bricks, he was unharmed thankfully, but his blown up chestnut hair could be considered a casualty. “Cas? What is happening? Why is everything destroyed?” Sam juxtaposes as his head twists and turns, making sure he didn’t place his hands on any sharp objects on the shattered floor.

You are so tired, but so content, as if nothing could compare to this. You feel that same warmth fill you as you hear their voices, even simple grunts or mumbles from them would give you such ease.

Just in being, it was all you ever wanted.

You took in Dean and Sam’s hand in your own calloused ones; and just held them, you didn’t know why but to you it just seemed like the reasonable thing to do. Dean freezes, his effervescent pools glaring at you nervously; Sam also looks at you with concern but shows a good intentioned smile. Even with their harsh reactions they grasped onto your hands tightly, Dean more so than Sam and the three of you get up together and let go, Dean lingered a little longer, his uneasy look never wavering “Cas? Did you use your powers to save us?” Dean removes a piece of brick from your forehead, his stares were deep, intimidating and demanding by his tone.

“It doesn’t matter now; we have a problem to deal with. Silver bullets covered with holy water did not affect this creature, and neither did my angel blade. It claims that it is from another world so I don’t know if what we have here would be able to affect it.” Reactively Sam and Dean start shuffling and placing their hands on their back, jeans and chests. Their bags were lost somewhere in the rubble, Dean enunciates his usual profanities while Sam grimaces at their loss, they only managed to procure a handgun, Sam’s silver pistol, their angel blades and a vial of holy oil.

“Well, this is the worst situation we’ve ended up in, yet” Dean speaks into the huddle you created, Sam shows the number of bullets in his hands, maybe 10 or so, but all useless. Your angel blade is intact but it took a lot of your essence to even manage to get to the creature’s head, Dean shows his handgun, a few salt coated bullets and flammable rounds looked useable “This is better than nothing, I didn’t try burning the thing” You muse and look at Dean who also manages to make a small smile, his gleam returning again if only for a moment.

“Okay Sam you remember any incantations we can use? Any protective spell?”

“Well, none that don’t require items”

“Ugh, we should’ve brought Crowley or something with us; maybe he could’ve done something about this”

“If I don’t know about this creature then how could he?” You argue with a slight bitterness in your tone.

“Err, you know what I mean! He knows more about illegal weapons even for hells standards!”

“Okay enough! I think we need to get out of here, I have this weird feeling we aren’t in the same place anymore” Sam spreads his hands on our chests and breaks the circle. “We don’t even know what we’ll end up fighting! That thing took control of you and Dean! You were completely paralyzed and weren’t… yourselves. I was almost too late! If I didn’t get you out of your heads in time…”

The sound of thunderclaps jolted us out of our conversation, you turn around and see a massive hole where a door was used to be and you hesitantly walk towards it. In that moment Sam and Dean grabbed your hands, both firm and reassuring at the same time, you look at them and nod, keeping your face calm even with the rush of blood in your neck, just throbbing away every ounce of pain you felt before.

All of you take a step outside

The sky looms above you, an assortment of greys and hues of black, all so similar but so different. The clouds were darkening and an assortment of lightning strikes gallivanted within it, of dull blues and yellow static. Only a fraction of the building was present in this location, so dead and preserved with every grain of sand lifeless, the winds blew us in every direction, making it hard for us to stay together. You twist your arms and keep your out of control trench coat in line.

But you don’t let go.

Dean bites his lip as he watches the sky, that’s the only way he could see without getting sand in his eyes. You keep hold of them, loathing whatever was to come and render you hopeless again. Just beyond the heavy scoria stones we gaze upon the same granular ground, but it cuts off abruptly from the other endless terrains. As if it was an edge to nothing.

You grasp even harder as you feel this confounding drumming inside you, this terrified you and for some reason the ones behind you did not, you felt no strong emotion emanate from Dean and no reasonable musings from Sam.

Why didn’t they say anything?

You turn around.

_Grey eyes_

“No! Not this time!” You pull the two of them towards you, holding both of their motionless bodies until you couldn’t, Sam was the first to topple and you lose your balance trying to keep an unconscious Dean stable. The three of you fall down towards the lower level of sand until it was more stone than clay, you hit the back of your head with a snap, the bulging bruise was slowly spreading to your forehead but you find it endurable. Sam’s feet are a few inches away from your head while Dean’s body lays beside his- you place a shaky hand on the throbbing and you manage to stand, even with the excessive lethargy from the fall. You take a few steps near their bodies and manage look up, making sure you stood perfectly between them.

There was a vortex forming at the cliff’s edge, you shielded yourself from the sand and pebbles slamming into you- almost causing you to lose your balance. Your trench coat blew tremendously and you took it as an opportunity to unsheathe your blade once more, this time with more ferocity. The vortex melted and began parting from it’s core, black disembodied forms started to emerge in midair- a few streaks of limbs and boneless anatomies brood over you, almost 5 feet high than yourself. Then came the lifeless skulls- they poured out of the oozing black that acted as a neck and stretched out menacingly, it didn’t take you long to recognize the one in the middle while the other forms lurked and observed, almost childishly.

Their skulls all derive from the same animal, but each had it’s unique factors- one had scars above its temple and crossed over it’s left eye socket, a few broken teeth and holes near the cheek bone, the black smoke seeped out from it. The other had more scratches over it’s head- but a broken jaw that maladjusted with its movements, it would always go the other direction as it moved to and fro.

**_They are humans! I haven’t seen one in many eons!_ **

**_Why does this one not tremble at the sight of us? He does not like how we play with the others?_ **

**_It is because this one is not human. His vessel is of an angel, or what’s left of one_ **

It’s voice emerged from their hissing- completely unmoved and unaffected. It stares, but this time it’s sockets are no longer black, the possess small golden irises- you didn’t think it was a nice addition to their look.

He managed to break through my earthen form, but you should realize by now that we have distanced you from your forsaken world, it is time that you see ours.

“I wish to know what it is you want to do with us! Why drag us here if you could’ve just ended things earlier? Why make them suffer in a way I do not understand? PLEASE LET THEM GO!”

**_Oh? Why must I accept your requests? What can I gain from your pleads?_ **

**_Maybe we can toy with him a little longer? Make him get inside the other humans head?_ **

**_Vess shhwavow hiss maaind kanvleetley, hiss hessence iss chanchalizing hand dlooming_ **

The thunder still booms- the world ablaze by eternal darkness, the skies rumble with unfathomable might- so dark the shadows could bury themselves within them.

But you stand your ground

“I need to know, what is it that you want from us? You can do with me as you please but I plead, let them go. You have nothing to gain from them” You scream through the gusts of wind; hoping you’d finally get a chance to retaliate.

**_I have everything to gain from them. In the beginning we always preferred children, their minds so easily amused and apathetic, completely unaware of what lurks in their reality. But our banishment here did not make things easier for us._ **

**_And now you three willingly stumbled upon us_ **

**_And for some reason, their unstable minds were so easy to penetrate- so easy to feast upon. So more fulfilling to us-_ **

It stretches its claws towards you, an ominous black root opening up to grab you. You hold your breath and start to run towards it- with all of your terrors ablaze guiding you through the smoke. The other two skulls vibrate by their reverberating chuckles, they too begin to swarm and twist near their guardian, you slash the approaching claw which dissipates seconds after contact. But even so they were pursuing you with the same pace; this felt more like terrorized play than a fight.

**_I think I got this one now_ **

You stab their molten root like hands, but their grip on your body grew so tight you started to choke. Even with the excruciating pain you never let go of the blade eroding into your skin- their fingers were sweltering with vehemence, you let out a shriek as it melts through your coat and clothes, your skin sizzled when it burrowed through and your screams continued, emanating more louder than before.

But they only laughed

It seems your human vessel cannot protect you either! Humans are such wonderful things to play with. But we still prefer terrorizing you from your fragile minds! They stop burning you and you dangle lifelessly in their grasp- the mucus and saliva in your throat lingers as you swallow in some air, your eyes bulge out towards the endless sky and massive drops of tears soothe your skin- a few even fall upon your burns, it’s saline warmth easing you for that brief moment in time.

**_I think our fun wont last for long. How fast these feasts with friends end!_ **

“W- whe- let them go..” you gurgle out a response, timid and dull as your speech was you meant every word. You no longer felt your fears drive you- tell you to protect what matters.

_Your fears were consuming you_

**_This one still fights us. Maybe there is a way to break him and eat him away from the inside_ **

The monster’s morphed finger nail gently lifted your head and placed it sideways so you could look to the ground, on the ground where they lay.

_Please, not this_

**_I may have an idea_ **

Dean’s eyes widened, the grey still swimming inside. For some reason even through his paralysis you felt that he could hear everything, feel everything- was that possible? Or was it wishful thinking on my part?

His body started shaking vehemently, limbs and arms flaying like a scarf in the wind- he was screaming, the loudest you’ve ever heard him scream- so vulnerable and childlike in his demeanor but still undergoing so much excruciating pain, just too much of it. His neck made demonic twists and cracks, it was as if he was fighting against a seizure that took control of his entire vessel- the protruding black and blue veins stemming from his collar bone was so demented that you wanted to close your eyes, if only your tears would let you.

They were electrocuting him

“I SAID STOP IT!”

You grip onto the blade in your hand and attempt to slice the cackling skull off of its shadowy shoulders, but it was ineffective. Your breathing grew ragged and unstable; Dean’s mouth was spewing dark meres of blood- his lips cracked and bitten on by all the extensive shaking and jolts in his bones. “I SAI- STOOOPPPP”

The other two creatures were swirling around Sam and Dean, Dean’s shaking started to subside and the blood flow slowed down- you started to stab at the monster’s hands but the blade didn’t even scrape it, your strength was depleting, just like his breaths.

“Le- let me save them, let me- me save- him” you whisper; your eyes were fluttering unconsciously, fighting every ounce of desire to faint- you struggled to get your words out let alone keep your eyes open, no matter how angry you were- no matter how desperate.

**_You showed us no kindness_ **

**_So you shall receive none in return_ **

It all stops

You flail your arms about, as much as your burnt body and trench coat allowed you to; you couldn’t fathom anything, couldn’t process anything. Sam wasn’t breathing. Dean wasn’t breathing. So bloody and tuckered-so laid about like a red silk ribbon in a tree branch, so broken, the brothers lay- the brothers lay- the brothers lay – All is now grey- All is now grey- All is now grey-

_He dwells with Beauty- Beauty that must die_

_Beauty that must die_

_Beauty that must_

__**Die?** _ _

The flammable rounds

I have to try

You swallow the screams trying to escape your lips as you try to pull his pistol out, you couldn’t even remember when he gave it to you. You slip your free hand to your left belt side; the shadows paid no attention to you, even the one who still held you eased up on its grip, did it think you were dead? Did it just not care for a mind that couldn’t be toyed with? We were all just bludgeoned insubstantial playthings to them after all- they still lingered near them, musing over their handiwork. You couldn’t bear it any longer. Your fingers slid over the small hidden holster and managed to pull the gun out from it’s trigger, carefully so even with your shaky burnt hands. Only two rounds were loaded, maybe it was enough- maybe it wasn’t? You had nothing to lose anymore.

You grapple onto the grip and steady your aim- but this time the creature does look back at you- yellow irises and all.

Quite the confident little flightless angel, aren’t you? Your weapons cannot hurt me here; I thought you were wise enough not to try.

“You said I was like you- tha- that I would be useful to you… Why do you think we’re the same?”

It ponders over the question for a while; its stoic skull suspended in the air by the darkness, now black rain is pouring, his blood still spreads across the stone- Sam’s mouth agape- his wet locks covering his eyes- their hands hardened by the sand and glistening by the drops upon them. So easy it was to lose them, so easy it was to fail. So naïve and weak of an angel you were, so worthless even now.

**We share the same fate, or at least the willpower to become something vile and disastrous. Your powers are unknown to me but somehow you resonate with the same energy as me, we’re one and the same- monsters and angels alike.**

"I am nothing like you- I can never become-” You breathe heavily upon yourself- so strong that you feel your burns cool from the excessive gasps; you still hold the pistol in your hand- unmoved and unaffected.

**I only wished better for us, we cannot profit from affiliating with humans in any way- we’ve made the mistake of letting one of our own traitors live amongst them, but now we intend to take back our place in your world- a second chance.**

It grips onto your abdomen tightly- its nail circling your chest- which heaves away at an uneasy pace- You feared for something more painful- if that were even possible- you tried to blink your emotions away, hoping that whatever ounce of strength you had left was enough to end things. If only you could reverse everything

__**_Let us in, we might make this easier on you if you comply_** _ _

You bite your lip and cock the gun, a loud clack inundated around you as the monster stared- it had no nervousness in its tone, no insidious remarks other than the things it just did- things unknown to you.

I suppose it was time, time to move on “See you in hell” The gun pops a titian hue- so melted as it escapes it and it reflects an auburn enchantment- the sun completely boring into its thick skull. The bullet buries itself into it’s head; allowing it’s black essence to ooze out, it was a lot thicker than blood- as if a bog of unknown origin had begun to ooze out of its center. The other two shadows take note of the scene but they just laugh- their heads rotating in their infernal way, jaws dislocating a lot more and just levitating below, and sometimes above their heads. Even the one who got shot was trying to stifle in a laugh. And the brothers lay The brothers lay Well, no longer. You will join them soon.

You expel a massive orb of light from within yourself, a sapphire glow gushing out of your eyes and wrapping you and the monster all around. You feel your wings escape your skin- they felt more charred and ash like the longer your light escaped you- a wave of sadness overpowers you, your palpitations ring in your ear, you think of your happiest moments- your saddest- and somehow nothing was able to come to mind. You just felt, and only felt- the most you’ve ever harbored within yourself the longer you breathe. The shadows started cowering because of its radiance, their shadows scorched by it seconds after impact- their screeches were exhilarating to you- an unknown song that vibrated within you, moves you in the most unnerving way. Their shadows bleed out, shriveling into nothingness as they touch the ground, their skulls no longer laugh and they don’t exist to begin with.

__A Beauty that must die_ _

__You will no longer exist too_ _

__A tear falls_ _

__The light pours over you_ _

__Your wings dispel and fade, just like that_ _

__A melancholic smile escapes your lips- an unanswered broken wish seeping out from you- a prayer unheard and a love abandoned_ _

__All is now grey_ _


	5. Log 0.0: If every clock turns back to you

All is grey

  
You begin to wake

You hear voices, murmurs of never ending woes- veins being cut open- irises that encompass the wildest of realms- innumerable amounts of passion and the colors that burst from the carnage- you and Dean on the beach, watching the waves crash into you, him taking photos from an old camera- you see Sam, the both of you wandering between rows and rows of bookshelves, you hold the books he keeps pulling out from the horror section- you see the both of them- they muse over the contents of a recipe book, Dean a lot more so than Sam. There is another who stands with them, a young boy with light hair and a kind smile- Dean pulls him into a hug and pushes him towards the stove- Sam grins playfully and smears sauce over the teenager’s nose. The boy beckons you to save him from Sam and Dean’s playfulness- you can’t help but smile at the sight of them- you see yourself, standing in the moors- you have no shoes on and only wear a white pajama suit and your trench coat, the sun looks the brightest its ever been- the brightest it may ever be.

_What is all of this? Are these all of my memories?_

Suddenly a voice erupts, replying to you in the most somber of voices

**You seem lost Castiel, but these aren’t memories as you see them, these are your lives**

_Lives? What does that mean? I haven’t been reincarnated last time I checked_

**You haven’t, but these are the lives you could’ve led, earlier in time, later in time- and multiple times from within this world. A world where there could’ve been a multiplicity of memories with the Winchesters, as Castiel, as Cas, or as Jimmy Novak. Maybe someone completely new.**

_Tell me voice, why do I see these memories? Has my life ended?_

**I do not know why you see these memories, it is not me who concocted them- but yes, I do believe you are in a state of death**

_There’s either dead or not dead, that’s what Dean would always say. So what does ‘state of death’ mean? Who are you anyway?_

_**I am only what you make me out to be, I think you created me because you wanted someone to talk to?** _

_I never knew I had enough power to make a friend, that’s something I could use every now and then. Especially since-_

You stifle a choke and cover it with a slow cough

_Voice? Can you tell me what happened right now? Can you tell me if this is a dream?_

_**No dream unfortunately. But, when you expelled your angel essence you managed to kill and somewhat absorb the creature you were fighting against.** _

_Absorb?_

**Yes, you ate away its essence in return, which is what brought you here- to this void**

_Fascinating, so does that mean I still have some power left inside me? Enough to try and get out of here? This otherworld I presume?_

**I do not know, you may possess something but it is something unknown to me- you may be even more powerful than before, since that creatures essence and your own have merged.**

_Voice? What did the creature do to them? To Sam and Dean_

**It fed on their memories, their mind- to the extent that they fed onto their very soul- as they said they were starving for centuries and they just- they just took them all completely.**

_My God, I wish… I wish I could’ve done something._ The grey still lingers, inky textures start to appear too. _Tell me, in all of these lives, do we stay like this? Does the happiness stay?_ It has a long pause before it speaks again

**Mostly, yes.**

_Did I ever live long enough to see it last?_

The pause continues again

_Answer me!_

… … … **No.**

You breathe in, a slow agonizing breath

 _I see. So I suppose its just me who made it harder for them, for all these years. I guess my addition in their lives always made things messier, even if they told me otherwise. Look at me here, on the beach- I look so much younger- so much happier here- but even then I might have caused them some pain- an innumerable amount of suffering. Its just- I just wish I wasn’t such a hazard in their lives, an impending doom just waiting to unleash my wrath upon them._ I pause this time _Maybe there was a way I could fix it for them, make it as though I was never meant to come into their lives. You say I have power, right? Could it do things- a wrong thing for the greater good?_

**I do not know. You managed to create me, but anything beyond it may be unwise.**

__But how could it be unwise if it brings back the people I love most? If it finally strikes a balance in their world_ _

**You are an angel; I do not have any ideals surrounding the morality of your world. If it is what you deem necessary then you may proceed**

_I just want them to- to have a better chance- and if they can get it without me in it then it’s a choice I can’t ignore. Even if my life may end in the process, as it has all those lives before_

Silence ensues

__I_ _ __have to try, okay?_ _

_**Do what you must, but the ending may not be the preferred outcome you desire. Your essence is unstable, it may destroy everything too** _

___What if I were to find a way to contain it? After I’ve used it for its purpose?_ _ _

_**It may be possible; but still unwise** _

You have to try

You just have to

__It was nice knowing you voice- I think I needed a level headed entity who would talk to me._ _

It doesn’t respond

You wait for a while, but ease into the silence once more

__Here we go_ _

_You close your eyes, the blackness doesn’t change from before but it feels more stimulating- you feel your powers murmur inside your chest- and you feel the creature’s essence purr too all one and the same. An Obsidian blue light begins to emerge from you- flowing through your hands and legs- it wraps itself around you, caresses you with the most warmth you’ve felt in the past few minutes. You felt complete, broken, complete and then broken all over again._

_You see the beach again, you tell Dean that this is how you remember him- you see a lake where he sits and ponders, you tell Dean that this is how you remember him- you see Dean dancing in a bar; giving flirtatious remarks to attractive women who ogle him the whole time, you tell him that this is how you were going to remember him when you knew he would never feel the same way back- you see Dean once more, crying, telling you how much it kills him to see you in pain, you tell him this is how you’ll remember him and that you were going to leave soon. You see Sam peering over his laptop, his strenuous features focusing on the screen for so long, you tell him this is how you’ll remember him- Sam slashes his blade around, stabbing everyone and everything he could stab, and then you watch him bury himself in his mind, a mind so full of sadness and regret; you tell him that this is how you’ll remember him. You see Sam and Dean, much younger and much kinder in the eyes, they gaze upon orange hues and wine colored fireworks, they’re laughing- completely oblivious to everything else around them. You tell them that this is how you’ll remember them- that this is how you’ll continue to love them even if he doesn’t have the ability to do so anymore._

_You relinquish the light completely and the bitter emptiness was lit up- like all of the stars in the galaxy bursting with fervor. You hear voices around you, voices unknown and known- of those who were lost to you- you hear the angels on the same radio frequency- the same monotone voice you once used to dispel, a robot voice Dean used to say. You miss him. You miss Sam. You miss them so. But it was time to make things right for them The light pours even more, this time you hear screams- cries of people existing in the void, laughs of spirits dead and alive- it was so overwhelming and welcoming to you, the light keeps pouring out._

__If there were a day where these wishes would break__

__An unaccomplished love that bleeds_ _

__My soul intact, or of what remains_ _

__It feeds on the ages that used to be_ _

__The wrath of gods shall break this veil_ _

__No more shall we remain separate_ _

__But I bid you adieu, because even you do not remain_ _

__This veil shall break and the world shall be one again_ _

__I gift you this birth in place of my life_ _

__My memories_ _

__My mind_ _

__I leave in this totem_ _

__And leave myself along with it_ _

__My love bleeds, let there be no more when they come back_ _

__For I leave this all behind_ _

__So he may live. So they may live_ _

__So they may all live_ _

__This totem is my coffin_ _

__And this is where I shall remain_ _

__Because the world is no world_ _

__Without them in it_ _

__An amulet and a man fall together. Everything is made anew. We fade out again._ _


	6. Log 15.0: Farewell

An array of sounds started to emerge from the darkness- mostly ringing with an addition of objects toppling over and being moved around- it took you a while to realize that you were slowly waking up.

Dean’s eyes open in the slowest fashion; he still feels heavily sedated for some reason and was struggling to wake up completely. Bobby is in the room fiddling with a few things in his drawer- he tried being quiet but Dean knew his old hands weren’t as agile when it came to stealth. He places his elbows on both sides of the mattress and pushes himself up slowly- placing his back straight against the head rest. Bobby’s room was similar to the other rooms in the cabin, dusty old wood, walls covered with runes and symbols, a whole case of weapons and inventory that is very suited to a hunter’s man cave- but he also had shelves dedicated to books, and in good condition too. He also had several frames hung up- some were photos of when he was younger- some were of Sam and Dean when they were younger- some were of John. 

Hey, Dad. I wonder if your ass is also down here suffering like the rest of us? 

Dean didn’t want to think about that, so he proceeded to address the sleuth still fiddling in his drawers. 

“Need something?” Dean jokes, immediately regretting it because his headache reemerged soon after. “Well, I was trying to stay quiet but I guess that was a failure on my part” Bobby chuckles as he turns his head to look at him- he looks more tired than before, heavier eye bags on his round face and an untrimmed beard covering most of it. He smiles weakly and drags a wooden stool towards the left side of the bed- before he sits he places the back of his hand on your forehead- after he’s satisfied he hums and sits down. 

“Your fever has gone done immensely, which is amazing especially how you were feeling the night before” 

“How long was I out Bobby?” 

“Well shockingly just two days, I guess it must’ve been some deep sleep you boys needed- especially after what happened” 

“I’m sorry you had to go through that, I bet you had to take care of all of our asses after that, you still got it in you old man” 

“Well, I did have my assistant” 

“Thanks for calling me that? I suppose?” someone speaks from behind a door, Dean’s eyes widen- almost feeling a jolt of electricity push his legs out of bed and confront them, but they entered without him trying anyways. 

But the shock was still there. 

“Sam?!” Dean practically shouts as he sees his little brother enter the room, he had the most illuminating aura and it made him forget about all of the headaches and pains in his body. Sam stood tall- towering above them- he still looks slightly weak but much better than the last time he saw him- his tired eyes seeped with happiness even if his smile fell weakly on his face. His cheeks hung loosely because of the weight loss but even so he looked well- Sam is wearing red and black plaid with black jeans, a grey flannel shirt hangs loosely over his body- Dean could tell that it wasn’t his size- especially how it was so loose and short on him- just the thought of Sam rummaging through Bobby’s wardrobe made him laugh. “It’s good to see you Dean” 

“Good?” 

“Yeah… good. Shouldn’t it be?” 

Dean pouts disapprovingly at him. 

“Have you managed to forget everything that’s happened thus far?” 

“Oh… well about that-” 

“You left Sam, you left for months. Your dumb ass thought it was wise to go on a hunting trip to save the world with a DEMON- who is WHERE exactly? - and you thought you can go off on your own trying to kill this thing?” Dean almost spits the words out with anger, but he knows he couldn’t keep it up for long. 

How could he stay mad at Sam, honestly? 

“Well, last time I checked I TRIED countless times with you! But you just refused to do anything about it! You knew how serious it was, you knew and even then…” 

“That still doesn’t justify you leaving me behind, and with a note? Damn it Sam the things I’ve gone through to get to you” 

“If you had just listened to me then there wouldn’t be any ‘going through’, but you refused to acknowledge that I was going through something too and it’s not just you- who chooses to brood and not talk about it!” Sam starts rubbing his temples as he frowns, Dean feels his guilt piling up again- was all of this because of him? 

“But none of that matters now, what matters is how we’re going to reverse everything that has happened” Sam breathes at a normal pace, his usual fidgety self is a lot calmer and he drags a creaky wooden chair to pace himself once more. 

“Sam? I don’t like how you’re breezing over this issue so easily but for your sake I’ll let it slide for now- because in the end I’m glad you’re safe” Sam gives a warm smile, its instantaneous and it leaves as quickly- just as Dean remembered it 

“And I think we need to dwell over how you’re even awake right now, amongst other things obviously” Dean responds while crossing his arms, waiting for the one thing he got distracted from after seeing Sam. 

“I think you already know what woke me up Dean, I think we all know” 

Dean swallows hard and hesitates, he was afraid of what he was going to hear. 

“After the blast of energy from Castiel Sam woke up almost immediately, as if whatever spell he was under finally broke” Bobby whispers this for some reason, maybe he feels daunted by the thought of it. “I don’t know about you boys but I think we have ourselves a very peculiar chain of events that we need to discuss amongst each other” 

“Dean, all of this- all of my visions and every person I met along the way led me closer to my past- to our past. Memories that Cas took away from us somehow.” 

“He didn’t take them away from us, he just removed himself out of the equation- hence the missing pieces and fragments in our wrecked up brains. But that still doesn’t explain how he managed to bring all of us back? Even those who died long ago, no offense Bobby” Dean dwells over the idea, a worry arising in the line of his stomach. Bobby raises his eyebrow amusingly and gives off a small chuckle “None taken boy” 

“But why would Cas do that? How can he do ALL of this? His angel essence was so weak so it just seems impossible that he could do this much of damage” Sam pouts and rubs his chin, the chair legs lazily squeak underneath his rocking as he does so, Bobby looks at the floor with his hand placed on his thigh- I think they both knew what they had to do. 

Dean on the other hand… 

“Oh so you expect me to go to him? Seriously?” Dean exclaims with his hands in the air, Sam looks at him wide eyed- his puppy stare ensues. 

“No, no! That’s not it! I was going to accompany you but since you guys ended up getting to know each other all over gain so I thought it would be easier for you to pull some information...” 

Dean gives him the nastiest glare 

“Out…” 

He crosses his arms over his chest 

“Of…” 

He raises his eyebrow 

“Him…” 

Dean smacks his lips, annoyance seeping off from his face- he started adjusting his white t shirt and black pajama bottoms as he slides out of bed slowly. His bare feet reach the floor and feels the cold wooden boards tickle his skin, the lack of heating in this cabin was something he noticed now of all times. 

“Was it always this cold in here?” Dean licks his lips from the dryness- his legs still out of bed but not using them to get up. 

“I don’t really think so, what has that to do with anything right now?” Bobby reflects over the thought and then reacts with irritation in his voice “If you think you can avoid confronting the boy-“ 

“Yeah, yeah I’m going- Jesus” He waddles and forces himself out- his body is still stiff and loose and seeing him struggle a bit Sam comes to his aid- which is instantly denied by the wave of a hand. Sam stays on Dean’s side, slowly following him after he moves on ahead to wear some soft warm shoes left near the door “I know how you feel about this and that’s why I’m going with you- I mean its Cas after all. We both deserve an answer” 

“Hmm, yeah, I suppose we do” Dean mumbles, his looks surveying the ground unconsciously- Sam notices the hesitation and uneasiness in his eyes and places his hand on Dean’s shoulder “I’m fine Sammy; its just… how can I talk to him after everything he’s done? After he’s endangered all of us?” Dean looks in the other direction, staring at a small painting that had nothing interesting in it. 

“Like I said Dean, its Cas. There must be something else; for all we know he might’ve done all of this for us” 

“That’s what I was worrying about” 

They share a look of contempt and look out towards the hallway- which seemed a lot more ominous, just wistfully glaring at their souls. It was eerie to say the least. 

“He’s in the bedroom at the end of the hall, if you wanted to know” Bobby enunciated with a cough- even he got up to give them support, or he just genuinely wanted to know what was going on. They march in a straight line, Dean at front, Sam in the middle and Bobby at the end- they looked like a ridiculous marching band- especially how everyone’s walking style deferred. Dean reaches his door, already dreading how he’ll react when he sees him- it was as if the past few weeks never happened between them- the vampire den incident- How he rescued him when he fainted from the fever, what was he going to say now? That he was ashamed he forgot about him completely? That he managed to erase every ounce of him from everyone’s lives? He didn’t even spare Sam- how was one supposed to react to something like that? Was he even the same person anymore? 

He turns the door knob 

The room is tidy, there were more shelves dedicated to books but also small mementos and trinkets- some small sea shells and some were distorted statues that hovered over the window- which was covered by a thick black curtain and only specks of light bounced off the bed and onto the floor. Castiel’s back was the first thing everyone saw when they entered the room- it emanated a very negative aura- the other two also sensed it. The bed sheets were disoriented and disheveled with ends and corners stretching out to the floor- the bed itself was full of his clothes and flasks- many that Dean recognized from their journey. 

I wonder if he was thinking about the same things he was 

“Cas? Hey its us” Sam was the one who initiated the conversation, Dean honestly forgot to speak the moment he entered the room “It’s so good to see you, how are you feeling?” he continues, this time he walks towards where Cas is facing- he stood in front of him and looked at him with a small smile erupting from his dry lips, Castiel looked up slowly and watched him for a little while until he stood up. Sam wanted to embrace him and took a few steps closer to do so- but Castiel turned away and walked out of that corner- its then that he managed to catch Dean’s eyes. 

Cas looked worn out, his life source almost drained- there was this strange terror in his eyes and the heavy eye bags were only adding onto it- his mouth was agape and he was having difficulty in saying what he wanted but none of them knew what it was. His stubble had a few scratch marks over them, nothing deep but still concerning to look at- his uncombed locks were falling over his eyes and he kept digging his nails into his scalp incessantly. He wasn’t doing this in an erratic way- Dean believed he was trying to compose himself- for what reason he didn’t know. 

“Cas, we really need to talk” Dean stood in place, making sure Castiel doesn’t force his way out of their intervention. All of a sudden he adjusts himself- he’s wearing a reversed color scheme of Dean’s pajamas, as if a small child woke up from a nightmare, so bereaved of affection and love. Cas’ eyes dim down from their usual blue, he sat down on the bed again, but this time facing Dean and turning his back towards Sam- who was still standing in the corner and observing the scenario taking place in front of him. Dean keeps his distance from him- he didn’t want to but he didn’t have it in him to accept everything that had happened. 

“Talk” 

“What do you want me to say?” Castiel finally spoke, the usual cordial tone he always had was now replaced with repressed anger, Dean watches him strictly- he tried hiding his disappointment but it was proving to be a difficult task, and even Cas could tell. 

“I didn’t know what else to do- I wasn’t ready… I wasn’t ready to say goodbye” 

“And what did that bring us? Do you know the fucking colossal damage that you have caused? Not only to us but to every other person on this planet?” Dean bellows, it wasn’t his intention but he didn’t know how else to respond. Castiel looked so ashamed, his eyes were distant as he tried meeting Dean’s- he didn’t know what to do, he’s never had trouble talking to him before- even when he didn’t reveal himself when he raised him from hell. 

And even then he couldn’t find it in his heart to say he wasn’t angry at him. 

“I did everything that I thought was right, that I thought would save you and Sam- that would be good for everyone. But my powers… it was a serious lapse of my judgment and I never wanted this to happen-” 

“If it was just resurrecting us Cas I may have still understood- god damn it I would’ve… but to just erase yourself from everything? To toy with us and make us forget about you? Six years Cas, Six GOD DAMN YEARS and it took Sam running away for me to find you again- you know how insulted that makes us feel? How horrible it makes all of us feel? To lose our best friend like that and not even know they existed?” Dean’s eyes were exasperated but they were concealed by poignant sorrow- he turned away from him and wiped his eyes before his tears could come out. Sam is teary eyed too- he walks towards the foot of the bed and places his hand on the board, gripping it tightly to try and control his nervousness. Bobby still stood at the doorway with an empathetic grimace, he breathes silently as Dean goes in closer- much closer to Cas. Castiel stood up in anticipation, if the bed wasn’t behind him he would be stepping towards the wall- but alas he stood still, never meeting his gaze. 

“I never wanted this to happen- I never-“ 

“Well it doesn’t fucking matter what you want, now it’s time for you to step up and fix all of this- I don’t care how and I don’t care when- I expect you to clean the mess you so happily created- if only you could bring back the six years all of us lost!” 

“Dean, my powers- they’re not something-“ 

“The nerve of this guy! He breaks the whole fucking world and he still can’t look me in the eye! Can you at least show that you care? That even with your so called ‘mission erase’ you still ended up with who?” 

Castiel stares, the hurt just bleeding out onto his still lips. Sam keeps looking- he sees Dean’s affliction be sugar coated by his anger- unjustifiably so. 

“Dean, that’s enough. He has been through the same things we have. He didn’t remember either- you just can’t keep sayi-“ 

“No Sam, I’m going to say whatever the hell I want to say because unlike him I am hurt, I am fucking hurt by his actions and how his selfishness literally led to the end of the world! Or whatever the fuck this is” Dean speaks as he points his finger at Cas with force- Sam came in between them and added some distance- Dean was shifting in his arms and telling him to stop but Sam did it anyway- and Dean soon obliged. 

Or so he thought 

“Maybe I should’ve just left you in that den! Maybe your death would’ve been easier for me to accept than this whole fucking-“ he gets aggressive even in Sam’s grip- he wanted to get his hands on Castiel- who was frozen still, he looks down on the floor, his head hangs low- the veins in his neck throbbing with zeal, for a second Sam thought that each throb reflected a blue glow- but he was just imagining it. 

“Let go of me! I just want to know! I JUST-“ Dean finally gives up and loses his balance- his grip is loose on Sam’s clothes but he manages to keep a hold of himself. Bobby notices Castiel react to his misbalance too, but holds back knowing how angry he was - his eyes are shrouded with worry and fear as he looks at Dean breathing slowly. 

He pulls himself up and peers over Sam’s shoulder, directly into those compulsive blue obelisks glistening away every ounce of emotion Dean tried to rile out of him. 

Hurt, that’s one word Castiel would add onto his list- a Cas concocted by his former forgotten self- he hated every minute of this- every waking moment of these six years- he’s now realizing how tormented he’s felt since. 

“All I did-” 

Bobby, Sam and Dean look up and listen. 

“All that I am is because I saved you, its because I chose to be on your side. Even if my allegiance was convoluted it was always you I stood for, who I always wanted to protect no matter the cost. I was an angel, and then I wasn’t, and then I was again. Time and time again I have bled myself dry, murdered, hunted and forsaken- all because of you. And when the time came for me to make that decision once more, I still chose you; time after time I would still choose you Dean. I would choose this family, no matter how it looked and how the rest of the world would fare; all I knew is that it wouldn’t fare without you” 

Dean tilts his head to the side- he couldn’t tell if he was agitated or whether he had just given up on him completely, Castiel didn’t want to think about it, not now. 

“That I couldn’t fare without you; my essence may be an anomaly but ever since knowing you, it seems to feel more human than most; I thought of living without you but in the end I had to realize something- it was me who had to be removed- more now than ever before- I would’ve ended myself if I could but, I only feared losing you completely if I did, the human side that you had gifted me” Castiel’s tears stream over his pale and desiccated skin, Sam stood speechless, as did the others. Dean still looked puzzled, almost unfazed by his words- has Castiel been this way in front of him before? Was he too stubborn to hear him out? 

“I- I wanted this for so long without even realizing it- I wanted to give my life for you, I wanted you to forget because it was the best thing I could give to you, the same way you gave me my humanity. There was no other way I could’ve saved you or myself, I was already dead until my grace- and its essence…” 

Dean takes a step closer, a tangled expression appears and goes, his lips curl but he’s not sure he wants to smile- he was finding it difficult to read Castiel, on one hand he wanted to grab him by the shoulders and just shake his answers out but a side of him just wanted him to keep talking because he feared of what he was about to hear next. “But none of that matters anymore; you wouldn’t understand- even after everything I know you wouldn’t understand. I guess it is better this way, even if we found each other again it gives me a chance to do what’s right, especially for you two. I was never meant to be a part of your lives, not now- nor any time after this.” 

“Cas what the hell are you talking about? Is there a point to all of this or not?” Dean is pushy in his tone, he lingers forebodingly over his shriveled body- for an instance it felt like Dean was going to punch him, but what was it that was keeping him from doing that exactly? 

“Dean, Cas let’s just sit down and talk about this okay? Dean is just angry about, well… things. And there’s a lot to process here- especially the fact that you were able to resurrect not one but maybe a lot more. What’s concerning is-” 

They continue to stare at each other uneasily- Castiel isn’t crying anymore and the tears from before leave a trail on his cheeks- Dean is standing silently, his aura a little more calm and composed than before- he’s doing a good job at hiding his anger this time, or maybe he was finally letting him in? 

“But when the melancholy fit shall fall. Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud-” 

“Cas? What is going on? What are you saying?” Sam pushed Dean away and grabbed Castiel by the shoulders; even with his profuse shaking he kept repeating the same sentence over and over. Sam started to panic from the intensity of the situation- his wrinkles sunk into his skin deep as he kept calling out to Castiel, Dean watches behind him in complete shock- Bobby calls out to him and that is when he grabs Castiel from his left shoulder while Sam grabs his right, after his touch Cas stops talking for a moment- he blinks slowly. Bobby power jogs inside and stands in between them, he grasps onto Sam and Dean’s shoulder- trying his best to give his support somehow “I don’t remember him being like this! Unless he started doing this after I died?” Bobby makes his remark with an uncertain chuckle. 

“Now is not the time Bobby! Can’t you read the room?” Dean shouts and exhorts its pressure into his hand, due to its jolt Castiel recollects himself and looks at Dean, then Sam- then Bobby and then at Dean again. The three of them hold him steadily- just trying to make sense of what they should say next- Sam knew he was the one who had to neutralize the situation because Dean had no control over himself right now- he may have tainted it beyond repair- hopefully he was wrong. Sam shares a look with him and communicates through gestures- Dean nods in response- his maturity reappearing again once more. 

“Cas, whatever it is we can fix it- you just need to let us in. Maybe I might’ve jumped the gun a bit there-” 

“A BIT?” Sam taunts him in his usual sarcastic tone; Dean looks at him and then Cas, giving half an eye roll in the process. They tried to deafen out the tiresome scenario in any Winchester way possible , because Cas was about to snap. 

But then he spoke, in the same voice and tone that the brothers had known for years. 

“Even with your best intentions- I don’t intend on getting you involved any longer. This is my burden to bear, mine alone. Do you understand? I’m more a danger to you now than I’ve ever been before. For once let me, let me save you- I need you to understand-” He spoke calmly, even with the emotions behind his words he was losing grip over himself, Dean pushes Sam to the side- a little roughly so- throughout this conversation now was the time he finally showed some form of apprehensiveness in his eyes, his lips quivered as he held Cas’ face in his scratched hands, he stroked his cheek with his thumbs as he fiddled with his own uncertainty. “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us. Talk to me Cas” “There isn’t much time left- they’ll know where I am- I need to figure this all out. I’m so sorry, to all of you” Cas began to breathe heavily, his shirt hung loosely as his chest heaved, his ribs poking out the harder he inhaled- he removed their hands and created a gust of wind around him- Sam and Dean watch ruefully as they slip from the pressure- Bobby managed to grab Sam as he started falling towards him, his hair impairing his sight completely. Shockingly Dean was the only one who managed to grab ahold of Cas, he clutched onto his clothes first and then managed to grab him by his waist- he knew he had to do something before he ended up hurting himself again. He kept ahold of him- wind and all- it was hard to even see what was going on in front of him- all he knew was that he didn’t want to let him go. 

Not again. 

“CAS YOU CAN’T DO THIS! WHATEVER IT IS WE NEED TO WORK ON IT TOGETHER!” 

But all he does is stare, his eyes glowing an obsidian blue even with the wind around them. 

“Goodbye Dean” 

A white cloud disperses and pushes them in different corners of the room; Dean’s back hits a chest of drawers while Sam falls over Bobby- still slightly more comfortable than his impact. Dean winces in pain and grasps onto his abdomen- it wasn’t where it hurt him but somehow it still felt like it did. 

It still felt like it did 

He couldn’t hold back his painful groan and he placed his head on the cold wooden floor, his abdomen hurting all over. Bobby pushes Sam off of him and they both crawl towards Dean in unison, the same look of concern invading their face- Sam’s eyes a lot more so. Dean manages to pick himself up and sit upright while Sam’s hand was gently placed in front of him- he gives off an agonizing sigh as a tear drop falls onto his shaking hands- after a few seconds of breathing uncontrollably he manages to speak- his gruffness disappearing altogether. 

“What have I done?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My SPN babies, I'm so sorry for the painful ending that we all DID NOT DESERVE, THAT THE CHARACTERS DID NOT DESERVE. Its been a horrible 2 weeks, now months of pain awaits. I'M SO SORRY FOR THIS FANFIC TOO BECAUSE I HAVEN'T FINISHED IT YET. I PLAN TO DO IT I SWEAR, Because after the trauma i think we all need a group hug from each other during this trying time, whatever the writers did I'll try to rewrite it, maybe even express myself a little bit through my children- maybe even give them the ending they deserve.   
> I love you all for all of the destiel memories you've given me, i will forever be happy thinking of you and Team free will, i love you all and my boys, forever till the end.


	7. Log 16.0: Alone in this desolation

The streams hum their gentle tune as the wind disperses particles of dust and ash- the stones lay buried and neat within it- a few swarms of grey fish swim peacefully within those rocks and algae and the water only welcomes their movement- even in this grey there was gentility- or maybe something even more malevolent lied beneath?

A white beam of light emerges a few feet above the ground- the light spreads out a vast spectrum and the ashes that touch it decimate instantly, it’s hard to describe the blinding effect the light possessed- but it somehow accentuated your emotions the more you stared at it- almost like staring into the sun. Castiel emerges from the luminous source unharmed- his clothes still hung loose on his body- he never realized how much weight he’d lost over the span of these few weeks; he heaves a heavy sigh and starts to stare at his palms- he turns them incessantly and watches his veins throb with vigor- he’s never felt this amount of power surge through him before- even in the first few years in his vessel.

Castiel looks around the woods and senses the dry air around his ankles- they felt so brittle and cracked on the tiny pebbles and sticks on the ground- the fact that he was barefoot didn’t help them either. He laughs at his idiocy, even something as small as this could make him laugh- make him human. He never realized how much of his angelic grace was dependent on him being apathetic- he feels the swelling again inside of him, whatever invaded his system wasn’t just his grace- but the only concern was whether the essence of the Ijiraq posed a threat to him, and whether using this power again can correct his misjudgment.

Maybe apathy was the best way to look at things.

He feels sad again, just dwelling over his thoughts made him feel that way- he kept wondering about what Sam and Dean were doing after he left- he knew they would be driven to search for him- and that’s what he wanted to avoid most. He kept thinking about that one poem he read- just the irony of it was baffling to him. He feels erased and incomplete; he watches the trees again- struggling to keep his nails from digging into his skin- he wishes for so many things that should’ve ended his life- he wishes it even now; just like he has these past 6 years but this time it was different. He looks at his clothes, so disheveled and disgusting on his even uglier body- he felt nauseated just feeling it brush on his skin.

“Let’s change that”

The same light invades him again- only dimmer and less bright- he feels its warmth circle his body and trickle down to his feet- he waits patiently as he feels his pajamas disintegrate and be replaced, completely anew yet so familiar. The light fades within milliseconds, like dry ice pouring from his body and disappearing in flashes, he breathes easily as he looks at his clothes- a thin black tie dances on his white dress shirt and navy blue suit- the suit is layered by a beige trench coat that hung loosely over him- the perfect kind of loose. He smiles over how he perfectly reanimated it from the smallest detail- his black shoes also shone- he stood out so much more in all of this grey atmosphere- he was beaming with color and vibrancy and he almost felt guilty about being the only colorful thing in these bled out woods.

_Unless_

He knelt to the ground and placed his fingers on the sand and pebbles- he closed his eyes slowly and started to recreate every speck and grain he could think of- he thought it would strain him but shockingly he’s never felt so much energy flow through him. He keeps his eyes closed, he was just testing the limits of his powers and maybe this was the only way he could understand it- maybe his grace was the dominant factor after all? Maybe he was no longer an angel?

The thought scared him

He feels the burning sensation from his fingers- his palm remained on the ground and it was emanating the most soothing vibrations- the pebbles shook but even so Castiel knew that what he was doing wasn’t harmful, or so he believed. He winced internally, it was taking a little more effort than his clothes but even so his elation from these abilities is what kept him energetic.

He waited

And waited

And waited

Until he slowly opened his eyes

His rapture just seeped through his smile, something he hasn’t felt in a while.

The ashes are replaced by pollen, the whitest he’s ever seen- the trees bled green from every branch that spread out towards the sky- some light and dark hues tickled his eyes, the sun’s dullness was still prominent but somehow it only accentuated the heartbeat of the land, the river stream was clear, no greyness existed in its depth. He walks towards it and watches an abundance of fish swim and chase each other through the shells and moss ridden stones- he smiles even more looking at them, their radiant scales and frivolous movements brought an enormous smile on his face- he couldn’t believe that he did this- that he did all of this.

But then he thought… what if this is just temporary? What if his powers will run out soon? Would he be able to save them if he kept using it like this?

_Them_

His smile faded instantly, his interest in his surroundings triumphed over his actual mission, his insides was smeared guilt and anguish- how could he be so naïve and be so occupied by these delusions. He sees Dean again, his bracelets hanging loose on his wrists, once upon a decade ago when he used to wear them- Cas always found them appealing on him- I guess it was his old age that made Dean take them off later on in life. He remembers how much it would tangle up or make him miss a shot whenever he pulled his weapons out during a fight, Sam would taunt him about it in an amusing way- Dean always showed that it didn’t bother him, but you knew that he wasn’t as strong as he made himself out to be.

The same smile reappears on his lips, but one shrouded with unhappy memories, memories he’ll no longer have when he’s fixed everything. He didn’t want to erase himself- but at the same time he couldn’t force himself to be in their lives either.

**You weren’t meant to be here. Accept that.**

Castiel slides his hands into the trench coat’s cold pockets, he shakes his head to and fro- his foot lazily grazing the large grass stems beneath- he wishes he could wait longer and take in this beauty, but he knew where he needed to be, where he needed to find them next- before they manage to find him again, what was so hard for them to understand? What was so hard for you to understand?

His shaking subdues and the stillness in the air carries him to where he wishes to be – moments later he vanishes into thin air, the land still beating beneath him.

* * *

“Sam what the hell are you doing?” Dean sidelines through the doorway, evading Bobby and his large belly blocking his way “Can you at least tell me what you plan on doing?” Sam walks over to Dean’s abandoned bedroom, he shoves his bed sheets and cushions around the room- frantically tossing his items and his hair at everything he sees. At long last something laying in the corner catches his eyes and he darts towards it, his grimace never left his face, Dean was struggling to understand his motives, worryingly so. Sam’s elbow twists and his right hand clutches on something burnt on a large black string- they both look at it and clench their jaws in unison, Bobby stands at the doorway behind Dean staring in awe.

“Why did you take tha-?”

“You know why. You’ve always known haven’t you?” Sam said indignantly “All I wanted was for you to talk to him, just **TALK** \- why couldn’t you do that?” Dean stares wide eyed and looks away, he bit his lip suspiciously and slowly begins to regain his composure- his rough voice never faltering.

“Sam, I tried talking- I thought- I thought I could talk to him but I don’t know what came over me. All I could see was the past few weeks I spent with him, never realizing who he was and why even now it was him who I managed to find all over again. He just wanted an out, from us and from everything entirely- his antics are what made you leave in the first place- its what made you- made US forsake everything we ever built together. Just completely gone from our lives within seconds… and you expect me to forgive that? You expect me to forgive him for fucking with our heads? Our reality?”

Sam’s eyes wander over Dean’s expressions- his breathing bleak and hopeless even with the burnt amulet that swings around his hand, he was ready to speak his mind and Dean was more than happy to oblige and listen to him, just listening to his voice managed to calm him down. “ I know how you feel Dean, I feel betrayed too, okay? But knowing Cas I would do anything to protect what matters most, wasn’t it me who left you alone a few months ago willingly? Thinking I could save us? Constantly telling you how everything has been different for us since the Collapse? That all of my dreams were no longer dreams but memories? Or maybe even things that haven’t happened yet? You knew and even then you didn’t choose to listen-you chose to avoid it as long as possible because…”

“Sam I’m warning you, not another word”

“- Because you chose to leave everything behind Dean! Never addressing how you felt and never having the heart to hear anyone else’s doubt because you were too afraid- afraid of being paralyzed by your own demons in your own head- If you feel that way can you imagine how everyone else feels? How Cas felt when he came to realize he was the one who caused all of this?”

Bobby stands behind him with his arm laced around Dean’s elbow; he was holding his tears back and gently brushing his thumb upon it- he was distraught and watching them speak to each other like this was taking the life out of him- even if he was trying his best to hide it behind his cap. Dean’s lip quivers but he looks down at his feet in shock- every word of Sam’s hit him differently- almost as if it’s a stranger clamoring in his direction, he felt like he was about to faint. He feels another hand on his left shoulder- he looks up and sees Sam towering above him smiling pensively, Dean didn’t know what else he could say- the only voice of Sam he had in his head was gentle, so much more infantile than the one who speaks now “In the end you’ll always be the one I’d want to turn to when the time comes, if you didn’t understand then- then I can be grateful that you understand now and that its never too late- especially for people like us. I don’t blame you; none of us blame you Dean. And none of us can blame Cas for what he did- for us. Even with everything we never gave up on each other, we never gave up fighting- and he’s not going to give up either- you just need to trust him to find you again, just like us” He gives the sweetest look, his honeyed grin almost able to melt his hesitant heart.

“I can’t, Sam”

Dean slides Sam’s hand off of him and starts walking backwards towards the other room- Sam’s hand stays in mid air as Dean leaves, he didn’t move- he couldn’t move, he was reticent, completely staggered by Dean’s tainted eyes- almost lifeless, almost gone.

They hear the sound of a small metallic lock in the hallway, Bobby shares a look of uneasiness as Sam still lingers and places himself at the edge of the bed- the amulet was laced around his wrist- completely wrapping them in synchronicity.

_Like Black roots._

Sam looks up and meets Bobby’s gaze- he heaves a heavy sigh while rubbing his hands on his knees, slowly but surely he was going to find an answer soon- surely he would know what to do. He refused to acknowledge this, any of this.

**It can’t end this way.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I've come to realize how badly written my Fanfic is lmaooooo. So many errors and such a bad writing style! I'll definitely keep making corrections here and there throughout, so I hope all of you still like it- those who've stuck around basically.  
> Always keep fighting  
> P.S i wrote some poetry about the boys, I'm contemplating whether I should incorporate it in this somehow- so lets just seeeeeeeee


	8. Log 17.0: To forget you somehow

He moves a dainty oily cloth in a criss-cross motion over his blades and guns, he's sucked into his movements and practices these habits like clockwork- regardless of the required duration for their maintenance. Dean watches the metal gleam in his slippery gloved hands, it almost looks too poetic- watching wisps of clouds be...well, wispy- him balancing himself on his wooden chair, wearing a loose fitted shirt with a plaid dress shirt flaying about his waist, to him this was the closest he's felt to home in the past few years- just him, his weapons and an old shack to live and breathe in where he could grow old and live his decrepit life to the fullest- he smiles at the thought and continues to wipe his blades, his hands excessively abated even for him.

There is a small knock on the door- Bobby enters with a small food tray in his wrinkly hands, he has his hat off and continues to walk in his slow pace towards the bed- he smiles wistfully as he does so and watches Dean from behind- he hasn't turned around to acknowledge him but he remembers his sounds and movements so well that he finds no reason to guess anymore. "I got you some dinner, it's baked potato soup- I spiked it with a special something to take you off the edge a little- God knows how much you've been doing that" He places the tray slowly on the bed and sits down at it edge, Dean's back is closest to him this way and it made him feel guilty for creating such a fucking mess in his house- even after everything he still manages to be this steadfast, calm and conscientious man- something Dean hasn't been for the past few years- maybe even his whole life. 

"Ooh, fancy. Thanks Bobby" 

"You don't need to thank me boy. But what you do need to do is turn around and look at me when I'm talking to you" 

Dean gives up his restraint demeanor and lays his weapons and cloth down, he opens the velcro tape on the glove's elastic back with his mouth and towers one over the other on the side of his desk- he then turns around with the chair and places himself on its back post almost tyrannically. He tried his best with his arduous attitude- pout and all- but Bobby knew he would be able to crack some sense into him soon enough. 

"So, do you like this boy?" 

"W-What did you just-?" 

"Well it seems to me that you care an awful lot about Castiel for him to get you so riled up this way" 

"Why are you asking me this so out of the blue?" 

"I'm just trying to get to the core of the matter- of how you've been bottling everything up inside and clearly there's a rift between you and Sam because of it. All I wanna know is why you continue to push people away, especially Sam and your angel boy" 

"Yeah, okay that's it. I am not going down that rabbit hole right now, so Bobby can you just?-" 

"Fuck no, so I expect you to talk, and I mean **NOW** " 

Bobby's eyes are watery but stern as they pop out of his wrinkly eyelids, Dean tries to stare back to prove his point but alas it was an onerous attempt which led defeat. He sits more amiably in this time, his fingers laced together in front of him. 

"Talk" 

"Alright, alright. I'll... try" 

Bobby sits pleased, his arms crossed and his eyes tranquil- Dean knew he was hiding a smug grin behind his beard and it kinda pissed him off. 

"I don't really know Bobby; it's just? I don't know what to do anymore, not like I used to at least. I see Sam, just gallivanting into danger thinking as if its the old days but he just doesn't know- he just can't get over the fact that we're over, that everything we managed to kill- and everyone we managed to save- all of it was for nothing. I mean look at the world now, do you even think its worth saving? Especially knowing that there is some demonic beast out there taking everyone piece by piece? Sanity by sanity? I don't know if I have it in me anymore, I don't know why he's so persistent about us risking our lives for a lost cause. I mean- Cas is literally the only one, and I mean the **only** one who I thought wouldn't fuck things up for us, at least not to this extent. He's always just been there you know? That reasonable and radiant entity that always sought out saving the world just like us, he never realized how important he- how important he was to Sam and me. And to see him act this way, this fragile crippled cosmic being to just- lose his shit! How can I keep on living that way if even the most powerful things on earth are being crushed to a pulp? How can I forgive anyone who isn't able to protect what matters most? How can I rely on saving anyone if this instability begins to infect all of us?" 

Bobby looks at him, a dainty look even for him; Dean could only hear his heartbeat thumping through his eardrums and his throat, even after everything he said he still felt an uneasy weight pushing him down. “I know I haven’t been around- and for a very long time. I wish I could’ve been there when all of this got worse but even with me gone I feel as though you’ve always been this way- in one way or another because of…” 

“Don’t even say it, you know that’s not true…” 

“John” 

Dean clenches his fists upon his knees, the nails digging deep into his dull blue jeans and the shakiness of the legs that emerged soon after- Bobby notices the tolerance in his eyes and how much he’s struggling to keep it intact. 

“I know I’m not your father, Dean- and you may never see me that way but you can’t blame yourself for everything- not for Sam, not for Castiel- not for any of those people you lost along the way. I know you have this condition where you want to save everyone every damn waking second of your life but sometimes you have to realize that you can’t, you just **can’t**. But just because you can’t now, doesn’t mean you never can” 

A large boot appears at the doorway and a hand slides its way in from the door frame- his clean brown locks covering his face and an endearing head over his slouched shoulders emanating a somber humming in the room- he knew Sam stood by the door this whole time but he didn’t have it in him to address him right now, his eyes were too fixated on his own feet and the weighing shame that was starting to bury him alive. 

“Dean- you’re practically my own boy- all of you. Even your Castiel, I’ve seen the way he looks at you, he can’t help himself from helping you- and you know why. You can deny it all you want but we know what’s going on inside you even if you will never admit it. And we’re not asking you, all we’re asking you is don’t let what John thought of you be your only guiding light. That man did what he wanted because he could never let go, even after he had gotten what he wanted; and we all know that didn’t end well for anyone. I don’t want the same fate for you too- alone and wasted and bloody somewhere in a ditch when his own god damn family is worried sick about him, using whatever coping methods he has to shield himself away from everything and everyone.” 

“All we’re saying is…” Sam spoke after him, Bobby turns around- the shock on his face excessive and over the top, just as they had remembered him since they were kids “Dad isn’t really the best example we have, hell we don’t have a lot of examples to begin with. But us Dean? We’re different from the rest, you taught me that. You taught me how important it is to save and hunt and also stay true to ourselves- no matter the hardships we always managed to find a way to overcome it, we always did _together_. The Collapse may have turned our ideals against each other but at the same time… it only made me realize how much you and Cas matter to me- and how I’ll do anything to keep you safe” Sam awkwardly places his hands in his pockets, shaking his head slowly as he continues to struggle for the right words- Dean’s eyes began to well up over how hard Sam was trying- it was tearing him apart just looking at him this way. “All I want to say is… there are people who haven’t given up on you, so don’t think that we’ll abandon you just because dad…. I mean even after everything… now would be the time to fight back- To just… have control of our lives again, I know all of this is excessively messy and so unnerving to say the least but all I can say is that the world needs us now.” 

Dean wipes his hand all across his face- he wasn’t crying but it was hard to tame his tears for such a long period of time, especially if there are two sets of eyes watching you closely. 

“I just want you to be my brother, nothing more, nothing less. Just…Dean” Dean has lays himself straight on the chair rest, his hands now move up and down his thigh as he looks at both Bobby and Sam- needless to say he looked content, a little pale and superfluous with his clockwork movement but still, content. His green hues wander the room for a while, his lashes frail and refined bouncing away the uneager thoughts in his mind; he breathes heavily without uttering a word- Bobby and Sam share a look of discontent with each other and then look at Dean once more, the suspense was the most agonizing they’ve felt in ages. 

Dean kept his mouth shut, he didn’t want to say anything to them- I know how I feel, if I don’t know then who else would? These incessant thoughts kept pestering him throughout his body, whether it was the countless nightmares or tremors he always knew that’s what was causing it, that no matter how hard he fought he could never find himself again. But looking at Sam it somehow felt as though that may not be an impossible feat, that maybe- just maybe, he could find himself again in one way or another. There was another thought that wouldn’t escape him no matter how hard he’s tried these past few days- just thinking about it, thinking about **him** was setting him off the edge- but at the same time he feels a melancholic ache in his chest, his hands, almost all over his freckled arms and bruises, no matter how much he tried he always felt him- anywhere and everywhere- it was intoxicating him- his essence, his eyes, his wavering smile- all of it, he just found it so hard to bear. He couldn’t stand it, all of this- this confrontation- this strange gape in his abdomen, as if bleeding from the inside- breathing in the blood and the pieces that die within him. 

Well, no longer 

Dean gets up, his stance seemed a lot more senile than he wanted it to be, but he is up nonetheless- Sam’s furrowed brows finally manage to relax on his forehead and he takes a small step back- the agitation just killing him from the inside. Bobby also stands up- him actually being senile it makes more sense- and watches Dean closely. He extends his hand to touch his shoulder, it sinks into Dean’s skin slowly- warmth he didn’t know he wanted for a while now. He’s indifferent, but somehow he still feels… He feels? 

He didn’t dwell over it, he placed his hand over Bobby’s and gave it a tight squeeze, even a small gesture such as that lightened the strained colors in his eyes, Dean couldn’t believe the glee that seeped into him from his hefty palm. Sam also smiles and stands closer this time, but before he could give Dean some physical contact he slipped between them and walked out of the room, they watch Dean marching out through the doorway, they hear a gun cocking in the distance- Sam knew those steps and sounds oh too well, he took it as his cue to march onward- the smile still plastered over his long gentle face. 

Family business? Now we’re talking


	9. Log 18.0: Wayward Sons

Bobby leads them down a staircase through a hidden hatch buried a few feet from the cabin- it led to what seemed like a sewage system but Bobby managed to utilize it into something a little more feasible, a small lair slash library if you call it.

“I can’t believe you managed to make another sex dungeon Bobby. I’ll admit you have some mad skills” Dean jokes with his usual head nod and idiotic grin, Sam watches him and shakes his head in dismay.

“Oh look, he jokes too” Bobby responds in his bitter sarcastic voice, but Dean could tell that he was evading their looks on purpose, an embarrassed blush perhaps?

Bobby walks in front of them with an oil lantern, the sewage water was completely drained but even so the rancidity in the air was nauseating, water drips in certain spots of the cylindrical structure, there weren’t any rats scattering about like Dean remembers, but then again he hasn’t really been delving in sewers like he used to when he was younger. They reach a large iron door with a massive wheel handle at the front. It was the kind of door found on ships or high end submarines, but Bobby added his own flare to this one. Runes were spray painted on, some were more white paint based but it added an excessive flare to the door, he tells them to stay back as he rubs his hands together and grasps onto the handle with zeal and starts to turn. The door releases a massive sound as the air escapes with its release. He pulls the door outwards, a flabbergasted Sam and Dean share a look and follow him inside, his lantern dimming out as the dungeon illuminated itself.

The room was claustrophobic to say the least, copious amounts of dusty books and scrolls were scattered about endless rows of metallic tables, boxes and shelves, even with the surfaces it was hard to walk about freely, Sam bumped into a few edges as he tried making his way towards the two wicker chairs placed in the center of the room- where Bobby was piling up a few pages and journals.

“You actually managed to find something? Bobby you son of a bitch you” Dean smiles as his tired eyes gloss over the pages and continues flipping them, Sam picks up the smaller note books and starts fiddling through them as well.

“Much more than a sex dungeon, mind you”

Dean looks up at Bobby and nods with a musing pout on his face- Bobby looks at Sam and just chuckles exasperatedly- it somehow felt like old times again, even if were for a moment.

“Alright, the Ijiraq- a creature from the otherworld…” Bobby reads from his yellowed pages

“A shape shifter…” Dean interrupts with a furrowed brow

“…Hallucinations, stole children, take human form…” Sam adds with a confused grimace

The three of them share a look of perplexed fear and each of them ended up looking at the other’s page for information.

“So what, they do all of these things? How does Cas fit into any of this?” Sam thinks out loud as he picks up another book and goes through ancient drawings and images of the creature. Shadowy claws and wendigo skulls, some of their black bodies had human faces- sickening even in a drawing- to think that after years of hunting there were still monsters out there that have managed to escape their radar. “I remember them… I remember them saying something to us, well unconscious us- that they were forced away somewhere, some place…. Other?”

“So what are you trying to say, that these things can’t be killed?” Dean enunciates from one corner of a bookshelf, his voice rising the closer he got to where Sam stood “I never said that, but these things don’t have the information we need” Sam responds as he places a few pages in Dean’s hands, never noticing the ridiculous faces he was making by the audacity of the gesture itself.

“We have to start some place, this can’t be it right? Maybe the old slice and dice will do the trick?”

“Don’t you get it Dean? None of those things worked. Cas said so himself, even after the bullets and the blade he only stunned it for a while. The only thing that did something to them was…”

Dean looks down as he waits for Sam’s answer; Bobby passes a concerned glance his way and gets closer to him, almost a shoulders length away from Dean as he continued to look up from his book.

Dean was dreading it before he even said it

“Cas’ grace, no matter how much it was he managed to do something to them. Something happened back there and even now he continues to avoid telling us. What if?... What if something happened when he used his powers?”

“Now the question is, what? Are you saying he’s being possessed by the thing?” Bobby intervenes as he gives his book to Dean, who scowls as he puts it aside with the others.

“I dunno Bobby; I don’t think that thing can possess people. Maybe there’s more to it, much more. And I think we know someone who could give us our answer”

“Have you forgotten already? The person who knows about it is gone- so who else could know about what happened if it was just the three of us” Dean questions, strangely distracted and the concern in his eyes faltering.

Sam meets his slightly stifled glare, a small smirk appearing on his swollen lips as he does so.

“We need to find Crowley”

* * *

Sam watches himself in the dusty mirror as he wipes it from the corners, his locks hang lazily over his rutted brow, as if an old man is staring back at him- making him feel obscenely senile the longer he stared back ; even with this unfamiliarity he still knows this feeling too well to ignore it. He didn’t want to admit to himself how and what he was feeling all the time but even so his unkempt thoughts would never really leave him no matter how hard he tried to loosen himself up. He looks again and fixes his disheveled hair and clutches onto his slightly hollow cheeks; he pinches his skin a bit and lets its reddening spread over him, silently hoping the dullness would somehow dissipate long after but he still looked so worn out- he didn’t know why but he still felt some remorse piling onto him the longer tried to fix himself.

“Why do I keep doing this to myself? It’s not so bad right now, so why do I…?” He speaks at his reflection; he sees the answer in his eyes and found it senseless that he even asked himself that. _Nothing is fine, of course it isn’t. Cas is missing, alone and confused. We’re all so alone and confused, everything just feels so… stilted_

“Sam?”

Sam escapes the confounds of his mind abruptly, he blinks incessantly as he makes eye contact with Bobby and watches the small grimace plastered on his fuzzy beard. His eyes look so vulnerable and helpless to Sam- who’s already feeling the stinging pain in him rise the longer he delayed embracing him. He wraps his massive arms around him and holds him as tightly as he could, as if he was holding his very soul. Bobby buries his face in his shoulder, his hat slides off horizontally but never falls off of his shaking face; Sam feels the warmth on his shirt and holds him with even more devotion.

“It’s hard to say goodbye to the both of you twice in a row now. I want to come- damn it I want to but your brother is so damn stubborn that…”

“It’s okay Bobby. You know why he…”

“I know that idjit, and I know you too. It’s just… what’s an old man gotta do to make himself useful around here?”

“You’ve been more than useful Bobby, all those years with us, all these days now- especially with the Ijiraq debacle- you don’t have to feel like you owe us anything. We just want you to have these days of peace, because whatever happens…”

“I know I don’t owe you shit boy, but- I just”

“I know. You don’t have to say it. You just have to let us go, no matter how it hurts”

Silence ensues between them, only their jagged breathing invades this room, this room of dull grey- of cottage décor and wooden furniture that melds into them perfectly- like statues in the middle of the crossroads waiting for the rain to cleanse them again.

But they felt no rain, instead this wave of anguish and decades of broken vows held them together, stronger than ever.

“I just want you boys to be safe… Even if” Bobby lets go and steps back to look at Sam completely, his eyes only a little moist from his tears “I know I won’t get my chance back, I know I won’t be able to see you boys again when everything goes back to normal- but all I want to say is if there is a chance- do not take it. Just focus on getting Castiel back, do you hear me? No one else but you three, got it?”

“Bobby you can’t just say that- there has to be a way for you, for all of us…”

“No, you **listen** to me, understand? No one else but those two numbskulls, do you hear me, Sam? **No one but them**. You get him back and reverse everything back to the way it was- the **same** ”

Sam’s lips quiver uncontrollably, he tried saying something back but Bobby stifled any form of hesitancy he wanted to let out. He feels gutted as he stands hopelessly in front of the man who saved him, nurtured him in more ways than his father ever did- as children, as hunters, as people, as sons- and somehow he couldn’t utter a single word in front of him now, he felt ashamed of his silence and his tentativeness.

“I know. You don’t have to say anything” Bobby pulls him into an embrace again, his pout quivering from the boiling sensation he feels inside- Sam feels it suffocating him too. He grasps onto the back of his light blue plaid shirt, clutching onto it with a lot more force than he had intended to- but Bobby doesn’t shy away from it.

From the other side of the doorway we see Dean, his back placed on the wall separating him from the room Sam and Bobby are in, he wistfully grasps the strap of his bag and swallows the metaphorical stone lodged in his throat- successfully suppressing his cries from flowing out. He strangles any ounce of dismay in his head- he tries to at least- as he watches the walls and the books fixated upon the dusty shelves, this wasn’t home but leaving it was tearing him apart, clearly the others felt the same way. He looks down at his bag, all of the necessary things needed for their journey- Sam was carrying the other half- the one with books and almanacs of some sort, everything they believed they could need really. He still hears the stifled cries from the inside; he turns his head sideways, his jaws clenched and pristine by the daylight that hits his skin.

**_So sinister this feels_ **

**_This lovers impasse_ **

**_An eternity of memories_ **

**_All tormented and torn_ **

**_Because it’s divinity is what ends you_ **

**_Because I love you so, cursed or not_ **

* * *

The air disperses around him as he stands firm on the ground, his trench coat flaying about until it normalized around him. He takes a moment to recollect himself and looks at the trees and skies that towered above him since the last time he was here. The massive building was still intact, the cracks that surrounded it once before were all blooming with weeds and shriveled roots- at first he feared them to be the same but they did not resemble those incarnations the longer he looked. Castiel’s recognizable squint appears on his face as he was turns his head to and fro, he makes his way towards the field of green that is much more dull and out of control than he had remembered- the laurel grass reached up to his chest now, making it difficult to trudge as he had wanted, but even this small obstacle was something he wanted to remember when the time came- there was a time when he wanted to lay here and just watch the setting sun, the length of this grass would’ve been ideal for it now, but alas he had his duty to fulfill. He watches the building the closer he got to it, the same massive structure all now covered by unidentified bacteria and species alike as he made his way towards the many orifices that appeared around the building, he lurked around them until he found one that was big enough to squeeze through. He knew he could make his life easier by bursting through a window or a wall but he didn’t want to risk using up his powers now- especially when there was no danger present.

Well, not yet at least.

He places a hand on the cracks of the opening and slowly enters, making sure his footing is firm on the rubble, he feels the tremors rise again but this time it only tickles rather than overwhelm him- his dissipated fear slowly begins to manifest again- slowly but surely he knew he was getting closer to something. He bites his lips and watches the sunlight create his shadow in front of him, so dark and grey he could barely make it out from the infernal darkness that existed within. He recognized the room instantly, it was the cafeteria- the same tables and chairs are misplaced around the floor, the glass food covers were now full of cracks and within it seamless amounts of cobwebs and spiders scurried about; Castiel walks slowly towards the center of the room, his trench coat twirls around him with lustrous fervor as he spins while watching the massive ceiling, he remembered it being massive and the solace from it was unexplainable. It didn’t seem like the world was ending, if only he could stay a little longer.

He senses a force approaching towards him, fast.

He darts towards the other end of the room, his arms spread ahead of him as his leap lands with a loud thud, but he manages to roll over and be on his feet once more- making sure he’s conjured up his weapon as he did so.

He sees an empty beer bottle burst open the spot he was in a few seconds before, the shards scatter all over and even manage to reach the ends of his shoes- he remained unharmed of course- but the confusion on his face said so otherwise.

“Stay back! Or there’s more where that came from, a lot more flammable too!” A shrill voice echoes and bounces around the room. Castiel looks around to see where the bottle was thrown from until his eyes caught on something intriguing. He senses a bent figure behind a wooden desk a few feet from him, something he knew wasn’t there the first time he stepped through this place- he was so distracted by the physical stimuli that he didn’t bother wondering whether someone harmless would be hiding here- at least he assumed they were harmless. He hears a dissolute heartbeat pounding away behind it, even with the distance he could manage to listen to every sound the person made- their breathing, salivating throat and rising anxiety from their stomach, even their body heat, a girls to be precise- could this be the Ijiraq’s powers? Was utilizing them the best thing to do here?

He decided to risk it

Castiel teleported behind the stranger- who was readying a Molotov before they jolted from his sudden appearance, dropping the non-lit glass bottle to the ground- the shards spreading further and further away from them. Screaming, the child slashes a hidden knife at his legs but misses, Castiel found this as an opening to slap the knife out of their hand and grabs onto their wrists- no amount of their struggling and leg kicking was able to free them, he never realized how much strength he possessed- but it wasn’t really fair seeing how it was a child that he managed to tackle.

“Let me go! What the hell are you?! Another one of those black things I bet!”

“Black things? You don’t mean?”

“LET ME GO!”

“Not until you tell me what I need to know, or else I can force it out of you- an option I do not wish to use”

The child’s dark face became motionless, all of a sudden the anger and rectitude they so blatantly built up in these few moments was all peeled down to this vulnerable, small self- something that befitted their age if things weren’t so different- different because of him.

“I just… I just want to live- that’s all I want”

“I’ll let you do that- but I need your help- I never intended on hurting you so you don’t have to be afraid”

Castiel slowly loosens his grasp on their wrists, so tiny they were in his hands! The child stood dumbfounded in front of him, they had to strain their neck just to look up at him. Cas stared back at them with the same intensity, they had the curliest brown hair trembling over their forehead, their golden brown skin was covered in dust and several scar marks were visible on their face and forearms, he felt pity as he looked at their withered and torn clothes and bare feet.

“How do I know I can trust you? How do I know you won’t take my memories away?” They speak with a suspicious pout.

“So you do know about them. If I was the monster you spoke of then you wouldn’t be standing here talking to me now would you?”

Their stare doesn’t falter even for a second; Castiel was growing weary of the child’s resilience.

“I honestly thought you were… your eyes glowed the same way, only a little more… blue? Like a really, really dark blue; what even are you?”

“I… It’s hard to explain right now, but just think of me as someone who wants to help you- help everyone during this time”

“Like some prophet or something?”

“No, no. I’ve tried that and it isn’t as fun as everyone makes it out to be”

The child gives off a snarky chuckle but Cas could feel the gentility behind it, it made him smile a little too “I guess I don’t have much to lose, what else is there honestly?”

Castiel felt a surge of guilt pour through him after they said that, he decided to kneel on one knee to continue the conversation further, making sure nothing else would interrupt them.

“Those black cloud things left a week or so ago- I found this place after getting separated from my group- essentially I needed shelter and I managed to find this building to hide in until my group came back but I ended up seeing those evil demons that people kept talking about-I honestly think the word demon is an understatement just FYI- and I kept myself hidden since then. I bet they saw me but somehow they didn’t react? They seemed kinda panicky and weird”

“Panicky? How is that so?”

“You know, kinda scared or something. They kept talking about going far away from someone or something”

“I see, is that all you can tell me?”

“Well, there is this weird thing in the back- kinda like some sort of bone? It’s really weird and I didn’t go near it. They kept saying that the others can use that for something”

Castiel gets up with his furrowed brow and a satisfied grin, the information he received was doable for now.

“Hmm. You said you had a group that you were waiting for? Hasn’t it been a week since?”

“Yeah but they’ll be here soon, they just got caught up I bet, you never know what’s out there you know”

“Do you know where your camp is?”

“Yeah, I do but I’m kinda scared going off on my own alone you know? So it’s just safer if I wait” Castiel looks at the child who fiddles with their dirty brown curls and avoids eye contact, he couldn’t fathom how this child was going to kill him a few minutes ago, burn him to a crisp no less.

“Tell me where you live, geographically if it’s possible”

“Err, okay? It’s near the Tahquamenon falls out towards-”

“Alright, good enough; I thank you for your help and guidance”

“Wait what are you?-”

Castiel places his index and middle finger on the child’s forehead and before they had the chance to retaliate they vanished, Castiel takes a sigh of relief after brushing metaphorical dust off of his coat and suit, a strange habit he’s managed to adopt over the years. He never even bothered asking their name- he decided it was better off he didn’t involve other people in his perilous pursuit, not anymore. The thought of them made him get out of his senses, he represses any thought of them and moves swiftly towards the room the child had mentioned.

_What did the child mean by my eyes? Dark blue? Like them?_

He represses even more and continues to walk expeditiously through the moss flowering hallway, he didn’t realize how fast he kept walking until he managed to stop abruptly in front of two massive doors.

They were the same ones. The same as before

He swallows hard, the veins in his neck quaking and thumping with unease- he knew this room- he could never forget this room- but he knew what he needed to do.

He pushes them inwards, his chest up high, his wings furled and discreet- his eyes the strongest of blues as he enters.

He steps into an open space, there were no walls nor a ceiling, the floor completely cut off only a few steps further from him- he stares at the weeds and grass that emerged from the ground- it hid almost everything- everything that went down all those years ago. He felt disgusted for some reason, how something so massive can also be forgotten- completely erased- how easy it was to fuck everything up, how easy it was to end their lives but not end your own? How his cursed self still stood here regardless of trying, trying so hard to forget everything.

He grits his teeth and pushes his fists to the ground as he falls, this resentment he felt was so overbearing, so difficult to ignore- he couldn’t help but feel only that.

The ground shook with his vehemence as a black glow emitted on the spot where he lay, Castiel’s head hung low and the lower he kept it the glow started to spread out further and further- he felt too nauseated by himself, by his hands, his face, his damned body- everything.

_There is no love for me_

_None that compares to yours_

He looks up, a face of enmity and sorrow that hesitantly manages to open its eyes and look forward- a gaping consternation that continues to grow the longer he stares.

A strange bone, just like they said

The bone resembled the head of a small animal, either a rodent or a possum- he didn’t even see it when he came in- what was going on? Why was this thing staring at him dead in the eye?

The skull lingered in mid-air as it was being wrapped around the black glow bleeding from Castiel’s feet- as if a new skin was being sown over it. He feels this wave of anguish coarse through him as he stopped blinking, but he couldn’t help himself from getting closer to it too. A hum spewed from the bleeding black veins that continuously twisted and latched onto it, for some reason Castiel spread out his hands and watched the nefarious darkness dance its way towards him and place itself perfectly in the palm of his hand.

**Be swallowed by the whale in the sky**

**Watch where the snakeskins gleam**

**Where a human’s blood grows cold**

****Where sanity lingers only in a dream** **

Castiel hears these murmurs as he sees flashes, images of places unknown and known- of battlefields and fields of gold and plum- skies of red and oceans of black- he couldn’t fathom any of it, he sees the empty- so black, so black, so black, so **black**. He screams as he crushes the skull in his hands, the blood mingling with the black that laced around it- but never joined. He places his wounded hands on his ears- helplessly trying to make the incessant ringing and beating stop-the world didn’t exist around him, nothing existed around him.

He sees Dean. He sees Sam.

He didn’t want to, but he did.

No oceans of black invaded his mind, he sees only pools, pools of beautiful green and hazel, of glistening lips and frothy beer tickling their lips – of golden lashes that dance in the broken sunlight-of unkempt hair laying in fields of wheat. He sees Dean, watching him dip his ankles in a river stream- wincing over how cold it feels to him. Sam sits a few feet away, reading a book while he incessantly keeps pushing his hair back whenever the wind blows his locks over. He stands away, far away from them- a memory he never knew existed, a memory he wished to have? Or he wished to forget? Or a memory that has yet to come?

_There is no love for me_

_None that compares to yours_

_Where our wounds would intertwine_

_And glow in the fiercest of depths_

_My cursed body and throbbing core_

_So tangled in your own_

_That I cannot find myself in you anymore_

He falls down, his head still filled with hues of green and suns of gold.

And he lays

**He lays**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. I've been in Destiel hell for weeks now, I always was but its just been harder to cope somehow these past few weeks. I love writing this fanfic even with all of its flaws but somehow I feel like this is such a bad way to cope- the conspiracies, the constant notifications on tumblr and twitter, it just reminds me of the good old days. I've been rewatching the show and watching all the episodes Cas was in. Ughhhh my heart still melts when I see them, especially Misha. I just hope all of you are okay too, hanging in there like the bad ass you are.


	10. Log 19.0: The world beckons us to try

Sam starts the ignition of the truck and its buzzing pours over the seats, whirring all over their skin and the bags beside them. Dean sits stiffly- his legs shaking even with the humming, he scratches his chin and makes himself comfortable in the seat.

“Tell me again why you aren’t driving?”

“Because I don’t feel like it, it doesn’t feel the same”

“Aah, I guess so. Sometimes I wonder where the Impala is- do you?”

“Every damn waking minute since this shit fest began, I spent my whole life with the damn thing, with dad, you and-”

Dean stops and coughs his way into another conversation; Sam senses the hesitancy instantly but doesn’t pursue it further.

“So you’re saying that Crowley is alive out there? And you’re certain we can find him?”

“That’s what I’m counting on. If we got our memories back then he must’ve too- he was the only one who saw what happened last- I dunno why but he did”

“We never even called him up for that hunt, so why was he even there in the first place?”

“I dunno, maybe he likes checking up on you from time to time?”

“Shut it”

Sam laughs as he changes gears and swivels the vehicle towards the dirt road with a map lazily vibrating on his lap, Dean watches him from the corner of his eyes and gives off a small smile too- something Sam hasn’t seen him do fro a while.

“But how do you know? Are we even prepared to do this?”

“You said you found this truck from a vamp den right? This truck was stolen from us before they got their hands on it- so all I have to do is use a tracking spell and we’ll be able to manage it from there somehow”

“Is it necessary for us to do the tracking spell out here?”

“Not really, but Bobby has been through enough these past few days, I just wanted to make sure we don’t get him wrapped up into this mess again. Like Cas said, they were after him and who knows what could’ve happened the longer we stayed- its already hard because…”

“You didn’t wanna stick around because it would’ve hurt more, huh. Especially how this would all be reversed?

Sam clenches his jaw, a gesture Dean always knew he would do when he pushed the right buttons.

“…Yeah. I suppose it is. It doesn’t bother you, like at all? I know you have this macho exterior thing going on Dean, but just-”

“There’s nothing I wanna talk about, let’s just focus on everything else right now. Save Crowley, trap or kill the shit that are after us and reverse everything. Simple. Done-zo”

Sam makes eye contact with him, his cheeks dull and his eyes leaden with lethargy, he wanted to talk to him but… he just didn’t know how right now.

“Alright”

Sam turns around a path near some sun dried trees, their roots were so thick that they were able to emerge from and go back into solid ground, like the back of a whale before its immersed itself in the depths once more.

Sam stops the truck and starts fiddling with the items in his bag, making sure he sets the apparatus accordingly- to say he was panicking would be an understatement but he was steadying his breathing the more his hands grabbed onto the pieces. Dean is already out of the truck, banging the door behind him and standing underneath the largest tree in the area. Sam follows him outside the car, Dean continues to be distracted by the tree- his hazy eyes lingering on the uninteresting leafless branches.

_What happened to you man?_

Sam shakes his head and steadily walks towards the front of the tree, he places the map from before and straightens the creases upon a flat rock and he procures three long wooden sticks that he ties to each other from one end- allowing them to stand perfectly over the map. Dean steps away from his diversion and stands behind Sam- who is twiddling with a small circular object dangling from a string “I can’t believe Bobby managed to have this contraption even after all these years, the damn hoarder” Dean comments as he crouches beside him, his chin inches away from Sam’s left shoulder.

“Heh, yeah. I suppose he is”

Sam sits with ease on his knees, his body elevated well quite over the contraption as he takes a deep breath- the pendulum swung lazily over the map with all the colors of the states duller in the daylight. Dean places his hand on Sam’s shoulder, a strange comfort that Sam didn’t know he needed right now- he acknowledges him and then solemnly stares at the string.

He breathes in and starts murmuring in latin; he closes his eyes in order to solely focus on the incantation, his fists clenched to prevent the constant shaking- Dean watches the pendulum come to a sudden stop and suddenly start circling the map counterclockwise, his eyes wander over its movements- truly fascinated by its synchronicity with Sam’s pacing. He finally stops and opens his eyes to see the result, the pendulum still circles, a lot longer than the both of them had expected.

Sam felt a tumultuous worry emerge from his chest- he hadn’t even considered the possibility of Crowley not being alive, he was definitely adamant about it but somehow he didn’t want to consider it and Dean could see it from his eyes.

But then it stopped.

They share an unsettling look shrouded with hope, they timidly kneel over the map where the pendulum has directed them.

“Up south” Sam breathes, the concern in his voice fading slowly.

“Well, what are we waiting for? Let’s move”

Dean walks back to the truck, his footing firm and more steadfast than usual- Sam marks the location with a pencil and starts to pull the contraption apart. With his belongings he makes his way back to the truck as well, his steps burying into the dirt the more he tried to walk faster.

We hear the engine burst into life in the dead, lifeless air as it drives away, leaving the barren trees far behind them.

Night has approached- a solidifying cold invading their lungs with powdery smokes from their breathing; Sam watches intently, his eyes squinting with his shivering lips, his indecisiveness apparent even in the dark. Dean lays down beside him- his stomach flat on the cold sand as he grunts his way into a comfortable position, he would’ve waited for Sam’s comment on the matter but decided to break the silence first.

“This is a goddamn fort Sam, it already took us 2 days to reach this place and now we’re screwed. Do you see any entrance that isn’t surrounded?”

Sam clenches his jaw again as he quietly takes moments to gaze through his binoculars- Dean extends his hand and takes the binoculars away from him and started looking through them himself.

“There are 2 entrances to be exact, both guarded heavily; not to mention heavily armed too. I don’t know how we’re going to manage this either-”

“Unless you have some cloaking spell then I beg to differ”

“Stop it” Sam steals the binoculars away as Dean was looking through them, the hand gestures remaining in midair for a good few seconds before he laces them together “Let me think”

The cold air sends a shudder down their throats- their confusion arising with it.

They were peering over a small town, most of the buildings were blown over- bricks dismantled and pouring over on the dirt- a reckless mess with people scattered about all grey from the dust and gunpowder Sam assumed. Dirty tents were laid about where many were storing their belongings; some even had trucks stuffed underneath them. Where were they getting all of these things?

Sam still peers through the glass catching glimpses of laughs and shouts- they all seemed content with everything happening around them- a small society reforming again even with everything happening- or was it hiding something more deadly than they could comprehend? Monsters were already difficult enough but a whole deterrent based community? Sam didn’t even want to think about tangling with people like them, and Dean shared his sentiments.

“Wait- What the?” Sam pouts as he kept squinting, removing and applying the binoculars to his wrinkled face- Dean watches his rhythmic movement until he steals the thing back- his lips professing irritation and annoyance towards his actions.

Dean couldn’t say that he was shocked, but at the same time he couldn’t say he wasn’t

A man walks out wearing a pale green bomber jacket, a dusty black undershirt and black jeans. His leather boots were up to his ankles and with it a small knife protruding from its side. He gives off a wide smile, the wrinkles around his eyes deepening- almost with the most malicious intent.

“The damn son of a bitch! And to think we were going to rescue your ass” Dean bickers under his cold breath, somehow the shivering in his voice gone and replaced with anger

“I mean… We got attacked by.. and he told me to leave him behind… How did he even manage all of this?” Sam stood up, his hands huddled under his armpits and his face frozen on a frown.

Dean gives off an angry chuckle, the kind he gives when he wants to strangle someone.

“Yes, I feel the same way. Lets go”

Dean is taken aback by the sudden confidence in Sam’s voice, but he doesn’t have time to react as he watches his silhouette dissipate into the dark- he follows quickly, hastening all the gear they spread over the floor.

“Stealthing our way in?” He speaks behind him

Sam smiles, a little unlike him in moments such as this

“Stealthing our way in”

* * *

“Pour me another one of those, Adeline”

“You got that Crowe”

A medium built woman in plaid and a dirty jacket comes over to him with half a bottle of scotch swaying about in a rectangular glass bottle. Crowley extends his hand, all gloved and ready with a metal mug jolting in his fingers.

“Yeah, maybe not right now” A dark hand covers the top, completely shutting out the dreamy pools that he had been dreaming of for months.

“What is it now?” Crowley groans, his arms rag dollish the moment he was denied his treasure.

“Captain’s tent, he wants to talk about your living situation here, you know- how long you intend to stay and yada yada- you know, typical stuff” He winks, a smug smirk appearing at his lips.

“Fuck off, Jared” Jared laughs as he walks away from his table with a half assed wave and a laugh that Crowley always failed to ignore. He looks at his empty mug, all forlorn and dreary the longer he looked. So he chose to get up, a grunt escaping his lips as he said his goodbyes to everyone around him.

The captain’s tent was located in the most secluded side of camp, right behind the torn down buildings and the overflowing sandbags that surrounded it. To say he was paranoid would’ve been an understatement-or so Crowley had assumed- ever since they found his unconscious ass bloody and bruised the time he was attacked by, what were they again? Ghouls? Djinn? Who cares, right? Since then he’s been trying to figure out a way to escape, the more he refused to get involved in anything the more he was dragged back in.

A habit he never outgrew sadly

He remembered

He bites his lips and shuffles through the small opening between the sand bags, his hands shaking even in his pockets. He walks into the carpeted tent and sees the back of the captain, the sigil of a golden wolf neatly stitched on his back, just as he had remembered seeing it the first time.

But something was off.

His head?

“Hands where I can see them”

He feels something stop the brisk wind from tickling his back, someone with a large stature no doubt. He feels the person force a hard metallic surface on the back of his head, he was too familiar with that surface to know what was going on, it had been a while since someone pointed a gun at him.

The thought made him tear up a bit

“Dean, what the hell? You didn’t need to take the guy’s jacket” Sam whispers, the embarrassment seeping out from his tone.

“What? I thought it was neat! Don’t I deserve nice things once in a while?”

“Yeah, you do. But NOW IS NOT THE TIME”

Sam pushes on Crowley’s back, a little rougher than he needed to be. Crowley smiles his usual smile, trying his best to keep his snickers intact.

_Things couldn’t be more perfect_

“Okay, since we don’t need to introduce ourselves to you, dick. You’re gonna walk with us quietly, so you don’t need to create a scene in your so called sanctuary” Dean speaks casually, his demeanor a lot more rigid even with the playfulness in his voice, he fiddles with the chest of drawers and several other cupboards and chests in the tent before he looks him in the eyes again, but this time with a knife pointed at his throat.

“Tch tch tch tch, I knew you were a kinky one but this is a bit too much foreplay even for me”

Sam hits the pistol’s grip over his head, it wasn’t strong enough to incapacitate him but it was enough to give rise to a menacingly firm throbbing laced around his neck.

“Fuck, would it kill you to have a little banter with me once in a while? For old times’ sake?” Crowley winces through the stinging; he starts to walk ahead of Sam while Dean stays to his right, the jacket’s sigil still glowing moments after he looks away.

“We’ve got all the time for that, but right now we-”

Dean turns around, his eyes glossy and struck by the point of interest behind Sam; the uncertainty and tremors evident from his frozen stature.

A woman of short stature stands with the tent’s cloth in her hand- she’s frozen too- but unlike the dazed Winchesters, she chose a less subtle approach to the situation.

Can you take a guess?

“INTRUDERS, THEY’VE GOT CROWE”

“Crowe?” Sam and Dean speak in unison, trying to comprehend what was worse to them in this situation. They huddle together and run towards the other side of the infiltrated tent, the woman shoots a few rounds of her pistol towards the sky as they run towards the few shrubberies and dilapidated buildings in the area, almost like headless chickens. Moments later they hear the sound of a siren, the blazing horn giving rise to the already overflowing panic inside them. Crowley hides behind a worn out wall with Sam, the gun still pointed towards him rudely enough- Dean is a few steps away, his back placed behind the wall of an old bakery. They hear steps coming from each side, they couldn’t find a way to hid anymore in this commotion and it was only making things worse for them. Sam looks towards Dean, his breathing so ragged even with the distance between them. He sees him frigid by the sensations around him, so bleak his eyes had become the longer he looked to him.

Dean falls to his feet, he looks up to the sky, his voice bellowing in the blazing sirens towards the clouds above. Crowley is taken aback by his strange demeanor, he felt afraid too but the strange desperation in his voice took him by surprise.

“Castiel! You son of a bitch! Hear us if you’re out there, please!”

The footsteps get closer, more shuffling and weapons treading towards them, Sam holds back his tears as he grabs Crowley by the neck, he closes his eyes and starts to find some connection as well- something that could tear them away from all of this.

“I know you can hear me! You can be a dick all you want but you can’t deny me this! You just can’t! We need you! I need you!”

Dean places his panting self on the wall again, his eyes moist by the tumultuous screams, his shouts were so immense that his breathing pattern became so jagged and disjointed, he clutches onto his chest, forcing out the smallest plea as a tear streamed down his dampened cheeks and quivering lips

“Please. I need you man. Don’t shut me out like that. Please…”

Sam refuses to open his eyes even as his tears seep out, it was mostly probably drenching Crowley as he comfortably remains under his chin.

Dean looks up from the rocks and twigs lodged into the heels of his boots, the ground was shaking by the myriad of boots banging against it- he clenches his chest harder, the amulet digging into his skin the more he pulled it around his neck. He clutches harder as the gaps between his breathing become more stretched out; his gritted teeth weren’t helping him keep his tears back- he swallowed hard and waited- waited for whatever was going to come. He didn’t care. He chose not to care.

Sam slowly opens his eyes while Dean keeps his head low- he feels a strange humming and ringing appear in front of his brother- something very familiar to him.

_White light_

Sam covers Crowley’s eyes and closes his own; catching a glimpse of a trench coated sleeve appearing on Dean’s left shoulder.

He looks up weakly, his eyes not even wavering by the blinding light.

“Cas?”

A cloud of sand appears where they stood as the light explodes with contained fervor, something so iridescent in this bleak nightfall.

And they’re carried away.

* * *

_All of this feels agonizing. I feel nothing. I feel everything. I feel so- dislocated and broken, so poured over and bled._

__**_The skies are dying right now, Cas. Why does it feel like that? Where are you, man?_ **_ _

___It isn’t easy, feeling this way. Feeling so strongly about you_ _ _

__******_It isn’t easy, thinking about you that way. In a way I can’t really comprehend_** ** ** _ _

___I’m begging you please, just stay out of it for once_ _ _

_****__**_Why did it have to be you? Why is it me at the receiving end of something like this? You think it’s easy for me to get over it? To get over you?_ **_ _ ** ** _

___We never had anything to get over, nothing ever happened, right?_ _ _

**__******_For once, just… shut up. Okay?_** ** ** _ _ **

___I wish I was with you_ _ _

_******Then be with me** ** ** _

_I can’t, I have to ensure your safety. I have to ensure Sam’s safety._

******_Cut the crap. I know why you’re doing this. You’re doing this just to spite me, just so you could have an edge over me- right? For all the times I treated you like shit this is how you’ll finally…this is how you’ll finally get to me- ever since you pulled me out from hell_** ** **

******_Well, you got nothing to say?_** ** **

_Is there anything left to say honestly? A way for me to convince you otherwise?_

******_Yes, there is! You can by coming back to us! Because Cas your brilliant plan is working, you’re getting to me- you- you’re- you just have to come back. That’s all I’m asking you to do, that’s all I want you to do_** ** **

_Did you ever forgive me for everything? Everything before the collapse?_

******_None of that matters now, you think I still think about that?-_** ** **

_Will you ever forgive me? Answer me._

******Of course I forgive you! How can’t I? You’re- you know I can’t-** ** **

_You can, you always have. And you always will_

******And what do you know about how I feel? About how I’ll be or whether I’ll even make it out of this? You may have an easy fix for yourself but what about me? Or Sam? You think abandoning us will make everything better? That erasing us made anything better, Cas?** ** **

_How was anything better before this? How was I any better for the both of you before this?_

******_Damn it Cas, whatever it was it was OURS. Not anyone else’s, just… ours, okay? No matter how fucked up it was, I was proud to call it ours. You never felt that? You never felt… anything?_** ** **

___I felt lost_ _ _

****_**But aren’t you lost, even now? Maybe even more than before?**_ ** **

_I… I don’t know. I don’t know anymore, Dean._

******_What is going on with you? Why are you going dark on me like this? If you just-_** ** **

_I’m afraid. I’m afraid of losing… I’m just afraid_

******_Then take me with you! We can’t lose if we’re together, I know we won’t_** ** **

_We’ve already lost, infinite times over, in different timelines, in different eras, with different names and different lives. Sometimes by our own hands, sometimes by another- We always lost, and we’ll keep losing if I choose to stay_

****_**You’re not listening to a word I’m saying! Cas, why can’t you understand that you’re not alone anymore. That…I’m not alone anymore- you know there’s always been something between us and no matter how much I ran from it… it always brought me back here. Here. If you just gave me a chance I-**_ ** **

_I can’t…I can’t, not anymore. I kept giving you chances; I kept hope- again and again and again I kept hoping that we’d find a way, that we’d find a way to be with each other, to be equals, to just… be. Separate and yet not so separate, but we can’t be that- we just can’t_

******_Please, don’t make me beg_** ** **

_Nothing matters. You’re not my family Dean, I have no family_

******_Okay, you wanted this right? Here! I’m begging you, Cas! For once in your life can you just- can you just hear me out? Will you please just stay? Just stay? Cas?_** ** **

******_Cas?_** ** **

******_Cas_** ** **

_You emanate the deepest of sighs_

_Based with the sweetest powders of the heavenly clouds above_

_Hazily sleeping under the stars_

_Your ribs caging the nova’s and stars within_

_So feeble to touch_

_But the most beautiful of all_

_It is a curse to love you_

_And bury my own memories_

_My own squeamish memories that yearn for you_

_I’m rendered incomplete_

_So morose are the words that keep bleeding out_

_And yet, you still sleep_

_Dreaming away and awaiting the day again_

_But I do not sleep_

_I cannot sleep_

_Because the galaxy lays beneath my feet_

_From those colored sighs_

_That call out to me_

* * *

“Cas?”

Dean blinks through the strange smoke, the weeds beneath his feet and the night air crisp and raw around his wrists, when did he stretch out his arms?

Dean turns his head around in a frenzy trying to take in the world around him, his body another shadow in the darkness just twisting to and fro- he then notices the other two profiles squabbling on the floor, one large and one small.

He closes his eyes tightly and heaves a sigh of relief.

“Everybody okay?” Dean speaks as Sam gets up and starts dusting his jeans with Crowley doing the same-even in the darkness Dean could sense his bitterness through his mumbles.

“Yeah” Sam rubs his lips together, his neck arching in an awkward angle- just the way he’s always done. He slides his pistol at the back of his jeans and turns towards Crowley, who’s already walking the other direction.

“Hey, hey! Where the hell do you think you’re going?” Dean half sprints towards him, his arms spread out and clearly ready to tackle if the situation required it.

“Getting into your vehicle, what else?” He speaks as the cold air blows out, like a chimney from the backside of a wooden cabin “I guess you’ll have questions, because I know I do”

Sam and Dean glare towards the distance and see through the dark, he was indeed going towards their truck. Were they literally teleported to where they parked their vehicle?

“We parked this miles away, and we- we hid it. How did he…” Sam whispers, the both of them slowly walking towards Crowley, who’s tapping his foot on the ground awaiting their presence.

“Son of a bitch knew.” Dean breathes a downhearted laugh

“So, what? He’s spying on us? How is he doing all of that?”

“Who the hell knows at this point? What I do know is that we need to catch up to him before it’s too late”

“Dean?”

Dean stops a few steps away from the truck, his arms swaying in the cold wind as he looks up.

“Yeah, just… can you give me a moment?”

Sam pauses and looks him up and down. He gives off a smile-small and intimate- and waves towards him weakly as he unlocks the truck- which Crowley scurried into immediately.

Dean nods his head, breathing out the irritation in his throat and stepping out towards the edge they had awoken in. The camp is still rampant, completely awestruck by the massive blast of light they just experienced, watching their lights flicker and dance in a frenzy brought a smile to his face, an unusual one at that.

He stands alone, and starts to speak.

“Cas, you got your ears on? Well, how couldn’t you? Shit, I know how big of a perv you are- even if it took me two tries to see how much you like to stalk on people who aren’t looking…”

“Listen… I… I don’t know what to really, say? I don’t really know what I’m doing here. We’re just following leads at this point. We got Crowley, so there’s something- he’s the only one who might know what happened when…”

Dean scratches the back of his head while he shoves his free hand into his jeans pocket

“Listen, I don’t want to ramble on- but hear this- hear me out. I… We’re not going to give up. You can prance away from all of this with your hero antics but I want you to know that just because you’ve given up, it doesn’t mean we’ll do the same- hell we won’t. No matter how unfixable you think we are, we’re going to work something out, so of you… if you want to come back, now’s your chance.”

He stood in silence, just the wind whispering in his ear

“Yeah, well. It was worth a shot I suppose… So I guess I’ll be going...”

He takes a few steps back, as slowly as possible. He wanted to take a chance, even the most miniscule- he wanted to take it.

A fleeting emotion blurs through him in waves, it flows through his wrists and then his neck- as if a feather was tickling him all over his torso. He stands idly, just feeling it all over until he digs his boots deep into the ground and walks away- his sad grin disappearing on his lips.

_He knows_

_He smiles towards the never ending glaze over the river’s surface, his trench coat hanging lazily near his feet as he watches the purple hues dance in the stream. He watches the night sky, the stars all blurred by the gaseous grey clouds above. His hair is frazzled by the cold winds passing through him, his hands rubbing against each other just for the sake of it. He smiles at his words, he just kept playing it over and over- a broken record of his favorite song- just stuck on the right words_

_He knew he wouldn’t give up too easily, the thought amused him but it also terrified him- a lot more so than usual. He watches the glimmer blend into the sand around him, an effervescent pool just swirling around his shiny black shoes- he sees himself shrivel up in the sand- his smile a little pale in the reflection staring back at him._

_Just a little while longer. All will be better soon Dean._

_There is no love for me_

_None that compares to yours_

_Your touch, you scraping my thoughts, my lies, my descent into you_

_Bloodied and broken_

_But a being so enriched, so enriched with love_

_A love never meant for me_

_There is no love for me_

_None that compares to yours_

_To be Continued_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all like it so far. Part 3 (the final one!) will be coming soon. so stay tuned till then, hopefully I'll end it soon.  
> Love you all. Enjoy Destiel hell, hah!


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